Looking Back At 2014

    Well another year has come and gone sad as it may seem. They do tend to fly by quicker after you turn eighteen. Of course the ironic part is that is when you start to treasure them more. At least it was that way for me. But that is not what we are here to discuss today. Today I take a look back at my year in 2014 and see what it was like. Tomorrow will be resolution time on the blog, and then we'll go from there.

    When I started out this year I was trying once again to quit smoking though not fully resolute in doing it. I failed once more, but picked myself up and dusted myself off and said that's ok it's just not time yet. Also as I was coming into this year I was getting more involved with Southern New Hampshire University's Online Social Network called Connect. I've made a good number of friends on there though I have had trouble keeping up with there. I was also getting into some serious writing groups for the first time as well. Some worked out better than others, but that is to be expected.

    I saw a nutritionist as well who got me eating better, mostly by getting a lot of the sugar out of my diet. This stabilized my weight overall and dropped it a little. And while this was going on I got closer to my Connect friends and my writing group friends as well. My grades have stayed steady at As and Bs except for that one pesky C. I also gained a lot of insight into myself as the year went on as well. Plus I grew closer to my Connect friends and my writing friends, who helped me grow not only as a student but a person as well. I have to give a shout out to Jeni, Edi, Sylvia, Amber, Ronnie, and Elle, and if I forgot anyone my apologies.

    As I grew I became more confident and began taking on more responsibility and projects. Working on them diligently along with my school work. I've even started working towards rejoining the work force though that is taking a little more time than this year has to offer me. My friends have become family and I wouldn't trade it for the world. And as this year has been coming to a close I became a published author, which still blows my mind.

    All in all it has been a good year but I still have bigger plans ahead for the next one, and the one after that. I'm not slowing down anytime soon though I'm 33 now. I've got a lot of years left in these bones and I'm going to enjoy them and make the best of them. I've got good company in my two families, and plenty of support. I hope your new year's celebration is a good one like I plan mine to be. And remember when making goals for next year, reach for the stars. *Tips hat and walks slowly out the door.*

Major Announcement: I’m Published!

    Now I know I've been away for a long time, but it has not been in vain. I've been working hard on several projects, and one of them has come to fruition. I'm now published in the anthology, Around The Fire A Collection Of Holiday Short Stories. You can find it on kindle here: http://www.amazon.com/Around-Fire-Collection-Holiday-Anthology-ebook/dp/B00R6RN8DQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1419397740&sr=8-1&keywords=around+the+fire+a+collection+of+holiday+short+stories, and in paperback at: http://www.amazon.com/Around-Fire-Collection-Holiday-Anthology/dp/1505465338/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1419397740&sr=8-2&keywords=around+the+fire+a+collection+of+holiday+short+stories. It's published by the Scribes Collective who are a collection of up and coming writers.

    You will be moved by each of our stories to cheer and cry among other things. The anthology is full of heart warming and heartbreaking stories that you are sure to cherish. It's not too late to get an ebook copy for the holidays or even a paperback shipped to you right after the holidays. It is more than worth the price of the book, and remember the proceeds fo to Make A Wish. Yes you heard right the authors are donating the proceeds to Make A Wish. So head on over to the above links depending on your preference of reading style and get a copy today, *Tips hat and walks out the door with a bit of swagger.*

Chasing Clarity Cover Reveal

    That's right my reader you read right I've got the cover reveal of Sylvia Stein's new book Chasing Clarity, and without further ado here is the masterpiece.

What happens when you lose the love of your life and are left to pick up the pieces? Mia Gerard is about to find out.
Mia has just lost Leo Dancy, her best friend and soul mate. His absence seems unbearable, but suddenly, an opportunity that she can't turn down arises. She's offered a teaching position in The New York Dance Academy of Performing Arts. At first, she's overwhelmed, still dealing with the loss of Leo. But eventually, she allows herself to heal when she meets Henry Watson, a painter with aspirations of having his own exhibit one day, or does she?
As Mia and Henry become closer, Henry develops feelings for Mia, but she's still unable to love. When Henry can't have what he wants, he decides to move back to London with his agent and friend, Trina Michaels. Mia may lose him forever, and she's faced with having the clarity to chase after Henry or let him walk away. Which will she choose?

 
Chasing Clarity will be out in February 2015

Author Bio:
Author Sylvia Stein began her path to writing when she joined the Writer's Group on Linked in 750 in 2012.
She continued her journey by creating short stories, which were published, in the Giant tales Anthology series.
While obtaining her Masters degree at Southern New Hampshire University online author Stein built a solid foundation with her colleagues who encouraged her to continue on her writing. That's when Closure was born.
Closure was published this past July 2014. Now author Stein is working hard to bring you her latest YA novel entitled Chasing Clarity. This novel will be out in February 2015. "This will be another one of many books I hope to bring you."

 

Throwback Thursday: Thanksgiving Memories

    Since it is Thanksgiving I figured it's fitting to do a Throwback Thursday about Thanksgiving Memories. But where to begin is the hard part to decide, but I'm sure I can think of a suitable starting point. So as I'm often saying without further ado on with the show.

    My first memories of Thanksgiving are of grand dinners at my grandparents' house, with a ton of hustle and bustle around it. There was a huge turkey and all the trimmings and vegetables associated with it. All the family on my dad's side came to dinner on that day. All my uncles, great uncles, and great grandparents, on top of my dad and grandparents. It was a huge feast and afterward football was always on the TV that afternoon. I usually ended up falling asleep during the game since I was so young and not really into it at that age.

    I remember one year at my grandparents' that my grandmother got the grease for the gravy too hot and it caught fire. My dad couldn't get the cover on, and somehow he mixed up baking soda with baking powder (note: You use baking soda for grease fires). So then being the guy he is, he picked up the flaming grease pot and walked it outside and dumped it in the snow. It was one of the most exciting Thanksgivings ever in my life.

    Otherwise Thanksgiving has been pretty dull for me. Other than switching from my grandparents' to my mom's house as I got older. Up until last year everything had gone smoothly. Last year I was spending a few days at my mom's for Thanksgiving and everything was going smoothly and I was online. So I was online and suddenly I hear from the kitchen it's baking soda right. And I'm like what. And my mom is like the stove is on fire, it's baking soda right. I'm like yes, yes it's baking soda. And my mom put out the stove. Apparently my mom had spilled bacon grease on the stove and it caught the stove on fire. It was crazy, but it was the only crazy thing that happened that Thanksgiving.

    But even as the majority of my Thanksgivings have been dull so to speak they have always been good and spent with family, and that is the important thing to me. Thanksgiving will always be good to me as long as it is spend gathered around a table with people who I love and love me. I hope your Thanksgiving has been a good one and I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. *Tips hat and walks out the door*.

Story Thursday: Dear Professor

 

    Now I know I normally do writing prompts on Friday, but it's been awhile, and I wanted to flex my creative muscles on one right away. So I figured why not share it with you, my readers, even on a Thursday. Today's prompt is dear Teacher I can explain, but I changed it to dear Professor I can explain since I'm in college. I hope you'll enjoy it, and without further ado on with the show.

Prompt: Dear Teacher/Professor I can explain…..

 

Dear Professor,

    I can explain why my final paper has not made it onto your desk honest. You see I'm writing to you from Federal Prison, so I couldn't exactly write up the final paper from where I am. But you're probably wondering how I got here. Well that is somewhat of a long story. You see I was doing the research for the final paper you had assigned us by looking through the University's Library. I have to say it was all pretty boring and mundane to me as I started out going through all those papers. Then one of them caught my eye, mentioning something about a military operation, so I clicked the link for the full paper.

And well somehow I stumbled into a secret CIA file trove that was still classified. I'm still trying to figure out how this happened. Well I was curious so I kept reading, but they must not have been important enough since nothing happened at that point. But then I kept following the files and finding more and more out. I was hooked and just couldn't stop reading. I'll admit I kind of lost track of what I was supposed to be doing since I was so wrapped up in all of these digital files, but can you really blame me.

I mean the files were all pretty straightforward military operations stuff and your standard CIA Operations stuff you'd expect to find. But then the files started getting weird. They started mentioning some town called Roswell, and the number 51 kept popping up a lot. Then the documents started getting more and more technical with scientific stuff that I just couldn't understand.

The warden here says normally I wouldn't be allowed to write any letters to the outside world but since I'm a college student he is making an exception. He says to make sure to tell you that my cell number is 51 and that somehow you'll understand what that means. He says once all the paperwork is done I'll be transferred to advance classes here for some sort of special degree. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope I can do as well as I've done in your class up until now. I want to thank you for being so patient, and understanding with me all these weeks and helping me learn the material.

In conclusion I do apologize for screwing up with the final paper, and hope you can forgive me. And I hope I have not worried the faculty too much. The good news is they let me keep my laptop with some upgrades just no open access to the internet. I think maybe I have to earn that. I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and gives you some peace of mind as well as answers.

Sincerely,

Student 51.

07081947

Sunday Thoughts Yet Again

    So yeah it's been a hectic week of schoolwork or I would have gotten to laying out my plans for the end of the year, and for the beginning of next year sooner. Since I've already laid out the main problem pretty well, but you can expect more emotional posts from me still you can be sure of that. Those will keep coming up as the year finishes up and the new one starts.

    But also I'm going to get my office area in order, and start using my desk for at least a few hours a day starting today, and increasing it by a half hour roughly going forward. Plus I'm going to work on getting my filing caught up and keeping on top of it. I'll do that working with what I have starting today as well, and working in a new filing system after that. As well as personalizing my work area more with some more fun stuff to make it more fun to be sitting there.

    Then starting in January I'm locking myself in my house, and I'm quitting smoking cold turkey. For one month I will be detoxing and cleansing the house of all smoking paraphernalia from the house. It's long overdue and the time is now to get my health back on track. I will then gradually reintroduce myself to the outside world starting in February, still avoiding smoking situations as much as I can since it will be a potential temptation to me even then.

    Also starting in February I'm going to the local YMCA and getting a membership, so that I can start playing basketball at the very least. This way I will be at least doing something for exercise, which will help me to lose weight and further improve my health. As I said above the time is now to get my health back on track. To add to that, it's time to make me the me I want the world to see.

    Now that isn't all I'm doing coming into the New Year either. Coming into May I'm redoing my wardrobe a bit if not sooner. It is time this man went back into jeans where he belongs. It's time to strut my stuff and be proud of who I am and show the world I'm not ashamed of myself at all.

    And all of this is going to be hard I know with my issues of not feeling that I've earned it and not feeling worthy of it. So expect some interesting blog entries. But I also have wonderful friends and family (not necessarily blood to be family either) who are supporting me in this. And I refuse to back down, because I'm not content with my life as it is now. Therefore I have to change it to how I want it to be, and these are the first steps.     So buckle up because it will be a bumpy ride. *Tips hat and walks out the door*

Story Friday Sort Of

    This is a little different than Story Friday it's more like Saturday Thoughts in some sense. There is no writing prompt just a story about me as I express my feelings here. So maybe it is a combination of Saturday Thoughts and Throwback Thursday this week. But I wanted to get it out of my system and onto the paper since realizing it.

    You see I keep putting things off that I need or want to do, and it struck me that for a great many of them it is because I feel I have not earned them. It goes back to childhood where I was always told I had to wait till Christmas time or I hadn't gotten high enough grades to get something. Or I wasn't old enough to earn that right yet. Some of these are normal I know, but they all just sort of snowballed on me. I think the one that did it the most was not having high enough grades for some stuff.

    So now I put off going out to see friends if not enough writing or school work is done because I haven't earned the right to have a social life in my mind outside of my online social life. I put off certain purchases because I haven't earned the right to have it yet. I don't have new furniture because I put it off, because I'm poor I only deserve hand me downs till I can pull my own weight and earn the right to have new furniture. Though this is changing starting with my office. But it is still a battle since I have trouble sitting at my desk partially due to my desk chair and partially due to feeling like I have no right to sit at it because I haven't earned the right to yet.

    Hell I keep putting off redoing my wardrobe and going back to jeans because I feel like I haven't earned the right because I'm close to 400 lbs. so I should be in sweat pants. But I put off getting a gym membership of any sort because only working people have a right to that sort of thing so I haven't earned that right either since I'm only a student. I keep smoking because deep down I don't believe I've earned the right to be healthy like other people, like I'm paying the penalty for some age old crime.

    So now I've seen the problem what do I do about it. I could just roll over and let it be. Or I could crawl into a bottle and let it consume me. Or I can try to fight against it. The only way I will lose is if I give in. I've made a lot of breakthroughs about how and why I think and act a certain way over the last year or so. And thanks to my friend Jeni I've also gained a lot of confidence. I have hope and confidence that this New Year is going to bring about some new changes. So buckle up and get ready for one wild right folks. *Tips his hat and walks out the door*.

Throwback Thursday The Greenies

    I know I've been absent again, but I've been busy with school as well as some deep thinking. You'll get to see some of that deep thinking soon too don't worry. I'll be posting the next three days if all goes as planned. Tonight you get a glimpse inside a very special place to me known as The Greenies. So without further ado here is my memoir entry about The Greenies.

    I was walking in an area known as The Greenies the other day that I hadn't been to in over a decade. It had been attempted to be developed in that time, but I still recognized it. I still recognized the hills I had gone sliding on as a kid in the winter time. I still could pick out the bike paths as they should have been despite there being stairs on one of them now that O used to ride my back down.

    I saw where they destroyed the skeleton of a fort me and my friends had built, and some kids had caught on fire playing with matches. Interestingly enough it had been me and my friend Albert who had put it out before the fire department got there. We got a lecture about it, but pretty much blew it off since if we hadn't done we had the whole wooded area would have gone up in a blaze. At least that was our thinking since there was so any dead leaves in the area and so much dead wood down there.

    I remembered hiding under the crab apple tree when another friend hit a cop car with a bb gun because I couldn't run fast, and they had to run for it. Though the cop hadn't heard anything apparently. I remember just a few feet away from that tree kissing and holding hands with my ex-girlfriend, Maria, when we were teenagers on many an afternoon.

    I remember riding bikes down through these areas also, right down to the train tracks that are lined with coal heavily. I also remember that it was a hell of a lot more fun to ride down to there than it was to ride back up. I also remember climbing up a rock wall face after getting loss in that area at one point, and being chewed out for the fact it was a hundred foot drop and we could have been killed we were told. Of course we blew it off, but it makes me wonder now what might have happened though I try not to go down that road.

    These are just some of the memories from one special place to me. I'm sure we all have a place like this in our past that still holds a place in our hearts. It's good to take a trip back to these places now and then in most cases. Why not take a trip back to yours today?

Thursday Thoughts

    I know it's been awhile since I've written and my apologies for that. Working hard on my counseling and school, which interferes with my blogging at times. This time I'm pondering the question of what fatherly advice I'd give myself. So far I've come up with a few things to start out with.

The first of which is to do the best you possibly can in school since it will help you get ahead in life. Second is to craft your body image overall to how you want people to perceive you as best as you can. Third is to try not to let criticisms go to heart since most of the time they are not meant to hurt you. Fourth is to try and be as organized as possible since it will make finding things when you need to easier. Fifth is enjoy life when and where you can you only get to live this life once so make the best of it. Six goes along with that in that it says do what you love in work and play. Seven is to treat others as you would want them to treat you no matter who they are. Eight always speak your mind even when treating others respectively. Nine fight for what you believe in because if you aren't willing to why should others, Ten Never throw the first punch or provoke it to be thrown but be willing to throw one if one must be thrown in defense of yourself or others.

Now I'm not saying that is the only fatherly advice there is to give or that it fits everyone. Just that it's what best fits me. And hopefully I'll be able to look to this advice in the future and take it. Maybe it will even help ease my pain from the past. I'm not really sure, but I hope it can. For now though I'll keep this short and brief leaving you here as I sign off saying bye for now.

Sunday Reflections

    So I was hanging out, talking to friends, and thinking and one of them mentioned that I went pretty personal with the last post. And that if a troll happened to catch my blog they might open up on me with a personal attack. It's a good point since my blog won't always be read just by those of you who are close to me, and are friends and family of mine. I know eventually someone is going to say something negative and not simply because it is the internet, but because of the law of averages. And to those who decide to try to break me down and destroy me I simply say step into my yard. Here in this space you're in my yard and I will show you a mastery of words and sarcasm and turn your words inside out on you if you come trying to destroy me.

    And I'll always try to be reasonable at first, but the fact is I've kept quiet for so many years about every little thing done wrong to me. I've let it be swept under the rug and ignored time and time again. No more, I'm speaking my mind about it right here. And yes that makes me vulnerable to a degree, but unlike when it happened I'm far from weak. I've learned a few things since then. Such as sarcasm and how to twist words around when need be. Most of you have seen me do it when I'm being a smart ass.

    I know I'm going to ruffle feathers, but keeping silent hasn't fixed things for me. And I'll be honest this is about me for once. Don't get me wrong I like helping people I really do, but I have to do this for me. I want the world to see me for me. And not all of it is puppy dogs and butterflies. Those that can understand and accept me great and those that can't that is fine as well. But those that attack me, well sign on the dotted line for a verbal tongue lashing. Life is all about choices, and for me I'm tired of hiding in the shadows like a vampire. I want to come out into the sunlight so to speak. I'm going to be me and fight for my life the way I want it to be, and I pity the fool who gets in my way. This has been a public service announcement to all trolls coming within typing distance of my blog thank you. Bye for now.

Another Saturday Filled With Thoughts

    So I've missed a couple posts due to sleep issues and doing so much thinking. I'm sorry I'll try to do better next week when there is hopefully less weighing on my head, just these questions are haunting me. And maybe I have some answers for you here.

To the first one how do I neglect/ abuse myself? I put everyone first no matter what. No matter how rough of shape I'm in or emotional turmoil I'm in, I just suck it up and put everyone first. I push myself to the breaking point and sometimes even further to help others. I rarely ever put myself first though it has gotten better over the years though not trying to make any excuses. I even put hygiene on the back burner as well as cleaning my own house. Then I have to play catch up with everything.

    To the second one how do I deem myself unworthy? The first one is easy it comes with my weight and all the stares I get from wearing sweatpants but thinking I have no right wearing jeans as big as I am. Doubting at times I deserve love because I'm so big and so poor and have so many health problems as well as failed so much. I've always been big, and lack of good looks and being athletic looking has haunted me through my teen years even at my lowest weight. Never being muscular enough or looking enough like the in singer or band member. Constantly rejected by female friends with lines like you're too good of a friend. The first girlfriend I had kept me a secret because I wasn't popular enough. She would talk to me for hours on the phone but never in school and made it known she wanted another guy publicly. That's the obvious one though. The other one is never really feeling like I could do well enough in school, mainly because to me my family never seemed to think what I did was good enough. It was always good job but keep it up. Or good job but you can do better. Might be what made me an internal perfectionist. So to this day I'm never satisfied with my grade in a class, and I'm not even sure if I would be at peace with a 100 in a class. Third is that parts of who I have been and some of my health problems are denied and it feels like parts of me are denied in a way by some of my family as they have been for years. Makes me feel like they can't accept what is wrong with me, like they feel if they do it is like admitting I'm some sort of defect and that makes me unworthy.

    I've had my self-esteem beaten down most of 33 years, so I know I have a pretty big mountain to climb. But I did it once before just not the right way. I lost part of myself in that climb that makes me better than what I was when I made that climb. So this time I will make that climb and keep that part of me. It won't be easy and I know I'm going to make some people mad. But I have to do this for me. I have to do this to get to where I want to be. I have to do this to get what I want out of life. And yes you can expect more emotional dumps on the page. It took a long time for me to get to this point and to be beat down this low, so please bear with me. And no matter how bleak it may seem that I will recover please don't give up on me. Maybe that is also another reason I don't feel worthy, so many people gave up on me. But for now I'll leave it here, bye for now.

Monday Startup

    So I'm taking the week off other than Wednesday and Thursday to do some reflecting and thinking on life, which you will see here since I do my best thinking on paper. Some of it might be shocking, and some might be alarming but bear with me. I've got a lot to process over the next week and think about going forward.

    For one I was asked to think about a couple of questions. One being how do I neglect or abuse myself? The other being how do I see myself how do I see myself as not being worthy? Both have left me thinking a bit and with some answers but still searching for words to put it into perspective. Hopefully tomorrow I can start to answer them.

    And then when I do answer them I have to start building my life up in some form whether night owl or day time person or a mix of the two. But I know this I'm done letting my providers and family tell me what I have to be. I'm going to be me, and find my path in life. I'm going to do what I need to for myself.

    I know that sounds harsh, but all my life I've been bending over backwards to meet some higher authority just because they said bark. Well now I'm telling them they can kiss my ass. Life's not worth living if you can't be yourself and be happy and free. I might have to give up some of my ambitions for a while or forever along the way as I first imagined them but I can still accomplish what I wanted to with them in other ways.

    So for now I will leave you to do some thinking, and hopefully I don't come off sounding too crazy. I hope you have a good day or night depending on when you read this. Bye for now.

Throwback Thursday: Introduction

    Welcome to Throwback Thursday, this is a collection of stories that are memories from my life that will eventually make up my memoir. This week's entry is the introduction to my memoir and seems the best way to introduce the segment. So without further ado on with the show.

 

Introduction

    You'll have to pardon me please if this starts out a bit gruff, but as I sit down to right this introduction I'm a bit upset. And writing has always been an outlet for my emotions, so get ready to go on a journey with me as I give you an overview of my life so far. So that you know what some of what I've been through and some of what you might and might not see in this memoir.

    I keep hearing this younger generation say you don't know what it's like to go through what we do, we have it so rough. And to both sexes I want to scream Bitch Please. I was isolated till I was five and got to go to school, and then I was made fun of by almost all of my peers on the playground. Which led to me getting into fights everyday on the playground. You can guess where that led me to getting send to each day. I could see kids' houses right down the street from me and they were friendly to me on the bus, but I wasn't allowed to visit them. Every time I made any friends near me I was forbidden from seeing them for one imagined reason or another. I finally made friends, but could only see them on weekends and in the summer. Then I got to middle school and rebelled and got to see my friends all the time. I went back to where I was made fun of for high school after having had girlfriends and friends and some happy memories to discover people have changed.

    I end up having a good hard working academic start to high school, and being a good student. But still isolated socially at home. I get forced into a summer job, which turns out to be pretty good, and my social life ends up staying fairly strong. Then my school life tanks because I'm forced to work while going to school at the same time so I rebelled again. Which ends up helping me get the mental health services I needed, or at least started me getting them. Along the way I still had girlfriends and friends after rebelling and friends and memories before rebelling as well. I also ended up dropping out because of all the drama.

    As an adult I tried and tried to work but couldn't in the end. Though there are some interesting stories from the few months in those years that I could work. As well as stories along my road to getting disability and on my road to college as I was recovering. All through this I had the added challenge of epilepsy and going through four mentally abusive relationships. And if not for my amazing friends and workers I probably would not be here today. I would probably be dead I'll be honest, but I've had an amazing life so far in many regards and I look forward to sharing it with you. As for the majority of the younger generation saying they have it hard look at what I've been through bitches, top that!

Adventures In Cleaning: Inspection, Window Measuring, And Other Craziness

    So I know it's been awhile since I've had this column up and running full strength, but it's been a bit crazy over the past couple of weeks or so. Between school, me having emotional meltdowns, inspections, and windows having to be measured there has been little time to write it seems. Hopefully now that is going to change. The window measuring just happened yesterday so my sleeping pattern is a little thrown off still. But working on fixing that, though that might take a few days still.

    So with all this going on you're probably wondering how the cleaning is going. Well the kitchen counters have been staying fairly clean, but they could use a wipe down. Which will probably happen tomorrow night when I'm not so pressed for time. Plus I'm trying to get back on top of keeping up with the dishes. The bedroom floor is cleaned thanks to some help finishing it off. The pile of files has been chopped down and thrown into a box, but still have to be sorted. As well as filed, and now I have a potentially new filing cabinet in a drawer on my desk making it a bit more complicated in some ways.

    My new desk is together thanks to my friend, Tim, coming over and putting it together. A big thank you to him for that. And the desk has been mostly set up aside from the files, and being wired up for everything to be plugged in. That will get done in the next couple of days though. So making progress slowly, and if I get to do what I want with therapy I think it will help. So wish me luck. But I still have some chores to do before my writing meeting tonight so time is short, so I hope you enjoyed reading this and have a good night or day depending on when you're reading this. Bye for now.

Sometimes You Have To Open Old Wounds To Grow

    So for those of you who are on Facebook with me you already know I'm making a plan for a new form of therapy to help me heal, and calling it writing therapy. But some wounds won't heal without the scab being ripped off first. So as I sit hear examining who I've been through the years and who I am now. I'm seeing flashbacks and memories I'm not happy with and regrets.

    I've been a pretty shitty person in some ways in my past as I see it. Maybe I'm too hard on myself being an internal perfectionist, maybe not. I've done things I'm not proud of, been places in my mind I hope no one ever has to go. I've broken hearts that in retrospect were for stupid reasons when I was younger. I've been abused by ex-girlfriends as an adult mentally. I've felt like I wasn't worth anything. Hell I felt so lonely near one Christmas I tried to kill myself with alcohol. Trust me I paid for that.

    There are days where I just can't make myself want to get up. My body just feels like a ton of bricks. So I give in and sleep all day till evening. Sometimes the only thing that wakes me up is dinner. There are days when I want to go out, and I actually manage to find the energy and will power to do it on my own without any external motivation. But those are few and far between. Cleaning and filing are hard to get me to do in general without external motivation unless it involves organizing a bookshelf or computer files or an area I'm concerned about, but even that takes time.

    And yet somehow I keep trying and fighting. I keep trying to fit into the world as it wants me to. Keep trying to find love, Keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me and fix it. Including the light headedness I get every time I sit up or stand up. And sometimes I even wonder if this is karma for something I did at some point in time. Or just in general why all this bad stuff has happened to me.

    I just know I can't, and won't give up. And that I have the greatest friends in the world. And I do apologize for this not being a more cheerful post., but I've always been open with you, my readers, and I'm not about to start hiding from you now. Or ever. But I have to get back to my therapy planning, but you'll hear from me later or tomorrow at the latest. Bye for now.

Off To A Rough Start This Week

    So the week didn't get off to a great start with me screwing up on Monday Review, which will be retitled Review Monday starting next week. Just sounds catchier to me. And I missed Adventures In Cleaning because I was too busy bonding with my fellow writers. But today will be different. I'm awake and on top of things and still amped from Tuesday night, which I will get to don't worry. And next week my new desk arrives. It has been an awesome week so far overall, even if I messed up a bit.

    And Tuesday night put me on cloud nine. I got to hang out with Kory Shrum in google hangouts, it was amazing. It was the first time I got to hang out with a celebrity author in my lifetime. I mean I get to hangout with my writer friends some of who are becoming published authors now, but it's not the same as someone you've admired as an author from afar for a while. It's like getting to meet your favorite movie star for the first time for some or TV star. And then seeing how cool and down to Earth they are. It puts you right at ease and makes it so easy to talk to them. Talking with Kory has given me more confidence as a writer, as well as shown me a lot of us writers are a like in some ways. If you ever get the chance to meet her I recommend you take it. My only regret is not taking notes so I could better share how much of an amazing person she is.

    I'm also in the process of planning out my first Throwback Thursday post after the introductory post as well. I've also started a new short story that I'll reveal more about later in the week. And me and some of my fellow students are attempting to get a newsletter started at SNHU that is completely student run. I'm not the one behind it as the driving force, but I'm heavily involved. I'll keep you updated as it progresses, but if you are an SNHU Student and interested, go on Connect. Look up Student Newsletter and get involved I'd suggest. You have nothing to lose. As for those of you not at SNHU there is talk of making it available to those not attending the college but it's only talk so far nothing concrete yet. And the bigger news just by a smidge is that I'm starting to learn resumes and such to start planning to go into the working environment in some way or form. It will mean an adjustment to my schedule, but it can be done don't worry. Oh and with October coming up I'm preparing a special little treat for my fans, especially you Horror Movie fans. I'm getting together with some of my fellow writers, who also happen to have blogs and we are doing movie reviews of sorts on Horror Movies all through October. So get ready for some Horror to rock this page through October. Plus you will get to meet some of my very good fellow writers as I link you to their blogs as well.

    So as you can see I've set up a big dish of work for myself on top of school. So please if I miss a post or fail to reply to a comment right away bear with me please. I hope you are enjoying the blog overall though so far as it continues to take shape. I'm thankful to have all of you along for the ride with me. I hope you have a good day or night depending on when you read this. Bye for now.

Saturday Thoughts

    So it's been a rough week for the blog, but I plan to put up Story Friday just late. I'm looking for a writing prompt to commemorate 9/11 for this week's column. I'm also going to try and do some adjusting to my phone alarms so that I do better with the blog schedule.

I'm also adding a column on Thursdays that already exist in a sense. It will be my version of Throwback Thursday and will be pieces of my memoir as I assemble it. You my loyal readers will get the first look at it as it comes together, though the final product will be different in some ways. It will probably not be assembled the same way as the columns is published. I plan to publish the columns as they come to my mind not as they will necessarily appear in the book with the exception of the introduction of the book/column.

Also there are going to be days when there are double posts on here. One will be the column that is scheduled for that day, and then the other will be if something catches my mind. In those cases I will try to be brief, but sometimes I can't help but be long winded. I'm doing this because there have been a lot of current events that I have left out of my blog without saying anything to them, and I can't leave my voice silent any longer. Especially with election season coming up. So yes you can expect a ton of political posts, and for those not big on those type of posts bear with me. I'll try to balance it out with writing stuff and some humorous commentary on life if I can.

Another thought banging around in my head came to me as I was doing some of the reading for my weekly studies. Why is it we no longer have any magazines that run short stories on magazine stands in book stores or grocery stores? I mean seriously all I ever see is sports magazines, gun magazines, and home and garden magazines it seems. As well as news magazines I might add. Where are all the short story magazines that authors are always talking about that they used to write for? I mean there must be a few left in publication that they used to write for.

I mean I know that a lot of magazines have started offering digital editions along with their print editions and some have gone fully digital, but surely not every short story magazine is fully digital. The New Yorker can't be the only magazine left in the country that prints short stories. If so we're all in trouble since all they print is literary works. I want a magazine that prints science fiction and fantasy personally, and I'm sure there are other writers looking for other genres as well.

This gets me to thinking about something I could do for a career during college possibly, or maybe right out of college. I'd have to take a few classes for it and network with some people, and I'm not saying I'm going to do it. Just that it's an idea running around in my head. Looks like I'm making a trip to the library next week sometime, probably on Tuesday. And why do I have to go to the library you might ask? Well simple, at least in my mind. It's to see if there are any short story magazines left in print, since the library gets more magazines than you see on store shelves normally.

I just keep adding to the workload for my week next week. On top of the reboot of the blog as it's supposed to be going on schedule now I've got a research project plus school work. I swear in some ways I'm a workaholic like my dad. Go figure. I hope you've enjoyed reading this and have a good day or night depending on when you're reading this. Bye for now.

The English Of Politicians

    So I was doing my reading for Intro to Creative Writing, and the book starts talking about there being clutter in writing. Implying in general that there is clutter in the English Language. Now I'm not so sure I agree with this overall, but I will agree with it in the realm of politics at least. Other than that it's just variables on how people want to say things in my opinion.

    After all no two people say the same thing the same way. They each have their own unique way of saying it. And yes I get that the author wants the writer to use their tools to shape the best sentence possible, but to do that the writer must understand the differences in people's way of speaking and thinking in general. The writer must do that in such a way as to not lose their own voice at the same time as well, which can be a tricky accomplishment. I'm still mastering it myself as we speak. One thing I haven't lost though is my voice by far. I'm constantly speaking up and owning my opinions, unlike many politicians.

Yes I'm going there, right into the political theatre. Because they are the ones we see constantly on our TVs and in our newspapers using the English Language the most. There was a time when politicians actually used the word I and said exactly what they meant. Watching old tapes of campaigns and speeches I think it was right up till after Kennedy that the word I was used in this way. I could be mistaken though. Remember I'm a Creative Writing Major not a History Major.

    But they used to say I believe and then say exactly what they believed. Now we get so much double talk, it either means nothing or is almost impossible to figure out what they believe in. Unless of course you untangle it like an algebra equation. *Shivers at the thought of algebra* It's like some sort of art form they have among themselves. I swear we should make it its own official language called politicalese or something similar to that.

    I mean honestly why is it such a crime to have a belief in something now a days in politics. Why are people so against someone who stands for something. It seems like you have to double talk just to seem like you know what you are talking about. I think that being blunt and straightforward is a good thing. But every time a politician is this way they are called egomaniacs or liars or frauds, well you get the idea. And there are times they are in fact these things, but not every single time.

    Instead of a country that says what it believes in we have just become the country that says we are the best and if you don't believe it we'll beat you up and take your lunch money. No one says what they believe in anymore, and the ones who do are called crazy people or don't know what they are talking about. Even I'm guilty of doing this. We'll get more into that when I talk about my views on climate change at another time among other topics.

    On top of making money not a factor in campaigns we should make it so candidates have to state clearly where they stand on issues that are important to voters. None of this double talk, no technicalities with the vocabulary. Just plain cold hard truth about where they stand on the issues. It would clear up some things for voters in my eyes. But that might also lead to other problems as well possibly if voters get too personal with questions unless the law is written properly. Tell me what you think of all this in the comments below, I want to know your opinion. I hope you have enjoyed reading this and have a good night or day depending on when you're reading this. Bye for now.

Monday Review: Mockingjay

    Welcome to another edition of Monday Review, this week we're reviewing Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins which I read back in 2012. It's the third and concluding book in The Hunger Games Trilogy. Judging it from its outside you would think it to be just a small book along with all of The Hunger Games Trilogy books, but it's action packed as well as heartwarming and moving. Suzanne Collins keeps her characters from the first book from getting stale, making them grow even in this final book. And the characters that were introduced in the previous novel grow in leaps and bounds.

The story itself picks up mere months after Catching Fire ends, so there is no time lost really between the two novels. On top of that we are told what happens in that gap between the two books. It moves at a fairly swift pace taking twists and turns just as fast. It builds to a breathtaking crescendo before coming crashing down to the conclusion. Leaving everything wrapped up nicely, but still full of some surprises that you will have to read to find out.

Suzanne Collins has written a wonderful conclusion to her trilogy in my opinion. Bringing everything together marvelously. Some might not be happy with the ending, but it mirrors life well. It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. That is why my final verdict for this book is four out of five stars.

Story Friday: My Perfect Office

    Ok so I know I'm late again, and as I said Monday you can thank my sister. She gave me Pneumonia. I'll find an email for her somewhere among this clutter I'm working on cleaning up eventually. We will have "Cleaning Adventures" back again on time next Wednesday when I'm sure to be feeling a hell of a lot better and have something to show for it. Plus this week's prompt is not a picture prompt, it's a written one from a text book in one of my classes. It's from "The Practice Of Creative Writing" in my Intro To Creative Writing course. And without further ado on with the show.

Prompt: Describe your ideal office and how and when you would use it.

    

It was my normal time to go down to the basement level, where the office was, around 2:30 in the afternoon. I stepped on the elevator and pushed down for the basement floor as the doors closed dinging as they shut behind me. I had been up in the gaming room as usual relaxing, but it was time to work again. So I brought the laptop with me down to the office along with a huge cup of coffee. There would be time for games later. The elevator dinged as it opened up onto the basement level facing my office. I stepped off humming to myself the song from Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs as I walked into the office. I looked around at the wall to wall bookshelves seeing if anything was out of place as I walked towards the writing desk in the corner. Seeing everything as it should be I hooked up the external hard drive and the speakers cueing up the playlist for this afternoon.

As the music began to play I looked at my to do list for the day and tried to decide if I wanted to start out with some of my reading or my writing first. It was always a hard choice for me, even though I knew it was coming every day. I figured I'd do some reading as usual to help with the transition. I combed the shelves quickly and found one of the books I was reading currently then sat down in the reading chair in the opposite corner as the writing desk with my feet propped up.

After about a half hour of reading I finally felt ready to write, and put the book down on the side table by the reading chair for the time being. I pulled out my desk chair and sat down waking the laptop up. I signed back in and decided what to start on first. Usually it was my blog. I hammered away on that for a half hour to an hour writing it, and then proofreading it before publishing it. Then it was time to get down to the nitty gritty. As usual I had several projects going at once. I'd never been able to settle on just one at a time. So now I had to figure out which one I was going to work on today. Usually I just let my muse speak to me on this one. Though sometimes she can be stubborn on giving me an answer. Finally though I picked a project to work on.

I chiseled away at it for a good hour or two not seeming to notice the time going by as I did. After that I had to stop cause of lack of coffee. For some reason I always need coffee when I write, it somehow helps me write better. So I saved one last time for the day and backed up everything on the external hard drive. Then to relax before closing up the office I went back to the reading chair and picked up the book I was reading again. I read for at least a half hour to maybe an hour to try and relax my brain a bit. Then found a good stopping place usually at the end of a chapter. I put the book away and packed up the laptop and grabbed my empty coffee cup making my way to the elevator and headed for the kitchen to get something to drink. And maybe a snack while I'm at it, since my next stop was to the game room for a few games of pool. As I tried to leave my words locked in the office as the elevator doors dinged closed behind me.

Adventures In Cleaning: Week I Have No Clue

    So back with another week in Adventures In Cleaning, and I have no clue what week we're on. I've lost track between the weeks I've missed updating and the weeks I've been late updating. So far the only thing I've been having any luck keeping up with is dishes, and that is just barely. I still have a stack of files looking at me like The Eye Of Sauron. They just keep staring at me daring me to try and organize them. That is my goal of the day today, trying to organize them at least a little bit.

    My card table is still a mess, looking like a war zone. That I plan to tackle next week probably. My desk has so far stayed fairly neat. Though there are a few pieces of paper on it that need shredding. They will meet their doom later today when I get home. My bookshelves will get some redesigning later in the week. Nothing major just some decorations getting moved around is all.

    I've really got to start getting it together or this column is going to start being a casualty report of my lack of cleaning. Granted I was sick, but still I should have something to show for the weeks I've been gone from this column. Hopefully by next week I will have something to show in the form of progress. Well hopefully you enjoyed stopping and have a good day or night depending on when you are reading this. Bye for now.

Monday Review: Pale Demon

    So hopefully this week we can get back on schedule. I'm finally starting to feel a bit better. So this week I figured I would review "Pale Demon" by Kim Harrison since she has a new book coming out, which is sadly the end of this glorious series. So without further ado on with the review.

  I recently finished reading "Pale Demon" by Kim Harrison, and found it to be a page gripper. It builds on the previous novel like the rest of the series. It also shows more of The Hollows world drastically. Plus it's very fast moving.

    It starts out several months after "Black Magic Sanction" with Rachel preparing to go to The Coven's convention. But she gets denied her flight, and ends up trekking across the country by car with Trent, Ivy, and Jenks. She also ends up being labeled a Demon by The Coven, while Pierce gets to rejoin them. But she does begin to accept the fact that she is a Demon. Plus she ends up having to fight a Demon like her named Ku'Sox.

    Though while all of this is going on many other thing are happening as well. Such as us gaining more insight into Trent. As well as Jenks recovering more from his wife's death. Plus we see Ivy end her romantic interest in Rachel. And we see the future of the elves decided, and more.

    Kim Harrison does an excellent job enlarging the world she's created in this series. Showing more of how the world has truly changed. She also does an excellent job of building her characters more. She shows them all growing in their own individual ways. Overall it is a gripping novel that is sure to have you reading hours upon hours that is hard to put down. That is why my final verdict it is four stars.

Monday Reviews: Closure

I know I'm behind schedule again this week, my apologies. I'll find my sister's email so all complaints can be forwarded to her since it is her fault I came down sick. And on my vacation week too! Well as you can see we now have a title for the Monday column. I hope you like it. And it seems fitting that the book "Closure" should be the opening to this column's official debut. So without further ado on with the review.
    Closure by Sylvia Stein is a heartwarming and heartbreaking tale all wrapped into one. With characters so real you have to wonder how you haven't bumped into them on the street somewhere in your lifetime. Or if you have, how haven't you recognized them till now. It takes you on a wonderful rollercoaster of a ride with emotional highs and lows that keep you turning the pages one right after the other. There is heartache, terror, warmth, a hint of romance, and more all wrapped into this book. It packs a powerful punch. The only thing I really can find wrong with it is that it ends too soon. Leaving this reviewer wanting more. Read both Sara's and Garrison's tale of recovery. You will not be disappointed, though maybe out of Kleenex. I give this book five out of five stars.

Story Friday: Wild Times Onboard A Battleship

I know this week's Story Friday is late but I wanted to try and get it just right. It's doubly special in my case as it is a tribute to my friend Ronnie for such a great prompt, and a welcome home present of sorts. Two a way of showing my son his heritage if he's reading this, which I secretly hope he is. So without further ado on with the show.

 

The Battleship's cannons exploded around him as he took cover behind the anti-aircraft gun. Aedan hadn't signed up for this this, then again he wasn't really sure what he had signed up for when he had joined the Navy. He was wishing he was back home to a plate of steak, mashed potatoes, and corn as the first plane appeared on the horizon. He slide his finger onto the trigger and prepared for them to come into range, and as they did he opened fire with a vengeance. As the enemy planes strafed in him and the other anti-air crafters took out two of them. Quickly the enemy was engaged by their own planes. All the while the cannons continued roaring out like miniature explosions. Aedan kept trying to track the enemy planes with his anti-aircraft gun as they soared through the air, locked in combat with his own planes. He managed to get off a few shots here and there but nothing substantial.

    Finally all the planes had been brought down either by anti-aircraft fire or other planes in the fleet. But the cannons still roared with life. Aedan figured he would get used to it eventually or go deaf, one of the two. He remained at his post as he had been instructed to do in case of a second wave. It was going to be a long day he knew, but then that was what you were supposed to expect in the Navy during wartime.

    Finally his relief of duty came around as the sun was setting, surprisingly the rest of the day had been quiet since the attack earlier in the day. But the cannons continued to roar with life. Aedan was sure they were pounding a distant shore for some planned invasion, but he just wasn't sure when. He hoped there would be some relief for the holidays, but somehow he doubted it. Though he did ponder that maybe the food in the mess hall would be slightly better on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. He didn't have any proof of this other than the other crew members didn't seem to be dreading the holidays in the mess hall it seemed.

    Aedan ate in silence while the rest of the crew were livelier. He wasn't sure why he wasn't more excited he just had a sense of foreboding about the next day. Or maybe it wasn't the next day maybe it was just the uncertain future even aboard a battleship. Aedan finished his dinner and went below to his bunk. He read for a little while trying to distract himself before turning in for the night.

    He was jarred from sleep by alarms going off all around him and the cannons still thundering above. Aedan dove into his uniform and grabbed his gear and headed for his post at the Anti-Aircraft Gun. He got there just in time to see his relief mowed down in hail of bullets. Without thinking twice he shoved him off the gun and took over. Firing at every enemy plane he could put into his sights as if the fate of the world depended upon it. Soon their own planes made it into the fight and the enemy was beaten down out of the sky like the invading seagulls they were.

And finally silence fell over the ship as the cannons at last fell silent as noon approached on that day. Aedan felt the battleship turn and head towards the land it had been shelling and knew they had taken it. They were putting in for some shore leave in whatever remained from the shelling. But it would be good to feel earth beneath his feet again even for just a day or two. As the ship trudged towards port all Aedan could think to do was carry his relief down to where the rest of the casualties were being gathered.

Adventures In Cleaning: Week One

    Welcome to the first installment in Adventures In Cleaning. Here each Wednesday we will embark on my weekly adventures in the world of housekeeping in my home. I know we're late in getting this show off the ground, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks around here. Cleaning hasn't been going has planned either.

    Sure I've gotten my bookshelves organized to a point, and I'm doing better with getting the dishes done in a timely manner overall. But I still have a three foot mountain of files looming over my desk. Plus a card table that needs to be cleared off. Not to mention I still need to do my monthly overhaul of the kitchen. And my bedroom floor could use some picking up. So much to do and all by the fifteenth of next month. That is when the redoing of my room starts. Then there will be furniture flying into and out of my room.

    The new desk and reading chair will be coming in, and the old chair in the corner as well as the old desk will be going out. So by then I have to have those areas organized and ready to be moved around. I'm just going to have to put some things on the back shelf for a while and focus more on certain areas. As well as get done what most importantly needs to be done in that amount of time. And if there is time to get more done after that then so be it. This means I'll have to revamp my to do list a bit. Oh well it was do for some updating.

    Sorry there's not more to report in the form of progress even if it's the first week. But hopefully you enjoyed this look into my battle with cleaning. I hope you have a good day or night depending on when you're reading this. Bye for now.

What Writing Is To Me

    So I know I missed the debut of my cleaning entry as well as Monday Reviews, and I promise it will happen the cleaning segment will happen this week and Monday reviews will be back next week with a current pick. Just been a crazy week with the end of term around here. But today I thought I would talk about something near and dear to me. That being writing. Now I know a lot of you who stop in to the blog are writers as well, and to me writing is a bit different for all of us. We each have our own personal relationship with it. That being said I wanted to share mine with you all.

    Writing for me has always been therapeutic for one. It has been a way to deal with all of my emotions good and bad. But beyond that it has been a way to explore different facets of myself. At least with stories that is. When I'm crafting a story I'm investing a bit of me into the main character or main characters depending on how many main characters there are. AS well as what parts of me and where I'm directing them. Sometimes people can tell and sometimes not. It's rare for me not to be putting part of me into a story, but it does happen from time to time. It lets me see the scenery easier and feel more ingrained in the plot, so that it is easier to write it out. I make the characters real in my mind to a degree so that it's easier to write form their perspective.

    But for the most part words are fluid to me, they are like water. Most times it seems to me as if I'm opening up my skull and pouring words out onto the page. Weird I know, but it is how it seems with how easily they make their way onto the page. I'm not sure why it comes so easily to me. It's like once I have the idea it just starts flowing through me like a river to a lake. And it feels so natural and right. Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone or not, but it is how it feels to me.

    With poetry it is a little different. There it's like I'm channeling my raw emotion through my words, and that it's more important that the emotion be felt through the words more than anything else. In a poem I want the reader to feel everything I feel writing it when they read it. Sometimes I want them to cry like I did when I wrote it. Other times I want them to be as happy and carefree. Other times I want them mad about the same thing I am.

    There is still so much I could say about it, but I'm at a loss for the right words for once. Maybe eventually I'll have the right words to explain better what writing means to me fully. But for now I hope this gives you somewhat of an idea. I hope you have a good day or night depending on when you're reading this. Bye for now.

Story Friday: The Life Of An Airport Bartender

 
    So today is writing prompt day, or what will from now on be dubbed Story Friday and I picked the one you see above. It inspired me to write from the perspective of an airport bartender. I hope you enjoy, and without further ado here we go.

    I've been working at the Portland Jetport's bar for a little over a year, and you see all sorts of people come and go in here. Some you'll only see every day and some you'll only see as rare as once a year. Some are nervous about flights, and some are trying to make a buck off the incoming and outgoing passengers. I don't mind the entertainers too much because they help keep things mellow in the bar.
Like for instance we have this one saxophone player who comes by around dinner time every night. He plays such mellow music, it makes everyone just hum along once they pick up the tune. They also tend to order more expensive stuff then beer when he is playing, which is good for business as well. He's so good too, I never understood why he isn't playing more professionally. That is to say in some more high class gig than an airport bar.
    Then you have Chuck as I refer to him, since that is what he says to call him. Always pays in cash and only drinks Scotch. Comes in everyday at around nine am, always on the way out of town on business. Brags about how much he likes to travel on business too. All the places he has seen, and people he has met. I real blow hard if you know what I mean. But I humor him with listening to his stories over and over again. It keeps him drinking and refilling his glass.
    One of the ones I really like that is a talker is Charlie. At least that is what it said on his card. He offered to write down my memoirs a few times. He comes through roughly once a month. Has a few rum and cokes. Talks about books, usually what he is reading or has read in the past. Always asks what I'm reading or would like to read. The nice thing is on his way back through he will usually stop back in quickly and drops me off a book I was talking about being interested in. Only thing he asks for in return is that I tell him what I think of it when I see him next time. Interesting guy he is.
    Then you have Charlie's friend Tom who is usually with him. He's another interesting guy. Very quiet, doesn't say much of anything normally. But he's polite and a good tipper. Always giving the bar photographs to display on their walls as well. Constantly has his camera at the ready for a good shot too. He's caught some crazy moments in the bar that you wouldn't believe if you didn't see the photo of it for yourself, but those are stories for another time.
    Usually around Christmas time you'll see Peter coming through the area to stop in and have a drink to relax himself. He is not big on flying but he does it for his family, so they can go see family on the other side of the country for the holidays. He's a High School Principal, but thinks much deeper than most of them you will ever meet. He is constantly making the student body think about everything and not just go through the motions like a robot. He gets to know his students one on one. Especially the troubled ones, so that he can better help them do better. He asks questions of them and makes them think on what they are doing. Peter likes talking about success stories more than the ones who fall through the cracks. And even when they fall through the cracks he always has a hand out to them to help them in any ways he can. It's an interesting spectacle when Charlie and Peter get talking about Philosophy. You wouldn't think it possible, but it draws a crowd into the bar.
    And yes we have fights in the bar every now and then, but that is what Mr. Bagle is for. He comes on around seven pm, and deals with trouble in the bar if there is any. Most nights it's quiet, but when it starts Tony will try to get people to laugh first before they start fighting. If that doesn't work well he'll get them out of the bar and let the security guards handle it from there. But those times are few and far between. After all we are an airport bar. Oh well look at the time, looks like you better get going or you'll miss your flight. I'll see you when you come back through here. I'll still be here after all. And I've got plenty of more things to tell you about this bar if you want to know. Have a good flight.

Remembering Robin Williams

    
Last night I was clicking through Facebook as usual, and it popped up on my screen that Robin Williams was dead. My first reaction to this was holy shit. Then I thought this has to be a hoax. Then I check and find out it's true, and my heart sank. Next thing I know the news of Robin Williams' death is exploding all over Facebook. So I found myself thinking of all the memories that I had of him, which brings me to today's blog post. I honestly decided that today's topic was going to be done last night, but I wanted time to think on it before putting it down to paper.
    My first memory of Robin Williams is of him in the movie Hook where he played a grown up Peter Pan. As a kid I thought the movie was awesome and it even made me cry in the ending battle scenes. Now as an adult I find it even more amazing and it still makes me cry. I find it amazing how Robin Williams went from being so serious and uptight in the beginning of the movie. To being a carefree almost kidlike character at the end. The next movie I remember hearing him in was Disney's Aladdin where he played the Genie. Again I was still a kid when this came out so I didn't have much perspective on what made a good or bad movie. But both back then and now he had me laughing as well as pondering things he said in his lines.
    That's one of the things I liked so much about Robin Williams. Whether he was doing standup or an acting role he made you think, even as he made you laugh or cry. Towards the later part of his career he was being pickier about the parts he would take. It seemed to me he was only taking parts that interested him and made the audience think more. He also seemed to stretch the time between his standup specials out so that the audience would come in fresh and hungry for his material. And he was always honest with his fans. As well as open to talking with them and giving autographs and taking pictures. He was a warm and caring man for the most part.
    But he did battle mental illness the same as I freely admit I do. So I know he had those days where he didn't want to get out of bed. Or as I did in my younger years he had days that he wondered what was the point of going on. Which it seems eventually took his life. I can only speculate on that though. I wasn't in his head nor did I get the chance to ever talk to him, though I wish I had. I hope his tragic lose, as a result of mental health problems will not over shadow his creative genius, but I also hope it will be a rallying cry for mental health reform at the same time. I know kind of an oxymoron there. But if I must choose one of the two to have happen I would choose for his creative genius to outshine his mental health problems. Let someone else carry the torch of mental health reformer.
    I sincerely hope that someone writes a biography on him someday. I know there is probably one out already, but I mean one that covers all of his life. Because any biography out now only goes so far in terms of timeline. It truly makes you feel mortal when such gifted individuals such as Robin Williams and Jim Henson and Whitney Houston are dying. Often times I've thought that such gifted individuals must somehow be able to beat death only to be reminded that they can't. And always it seems too soon. Someone on my Facebook gave me the best line from Dead Poets Society to say farewell to Robin Williams. It goes "Oh Captain, my Captain." Sorry if I butchered it at all. But here now I will let Robin Williams's spirit rest in peace, and pay tribute to him by going and watching his movies. I hope you enjoyed my way of remembering Robin Williams and have a good day or night depending on when you're reading this. Bye for now.

Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone Review

    So we're doing a major flashback with this week's book review. And I know it's a little late and sort of a double post, but I got a bit backed up this week. Plus the previous post was a very important one for me to get posted. So without further ado let us jump right into the book review for this week.

I originally read Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone by J. K. Rowling when the third book in the series had just come out. Then earlier this year I decided to reread it and see how much of my perspective of it had been changed by the movies. To my surprise a lot had been changed. This is a wonderful book that is much more edgy than the movie version leads us to believe if you haven't read the book or haven't read it close to seeing the movie.

The plot is much more dynamic, with multiple little subplots splitting off throughout the book. Some are focused on character development. While others are focused on building up plots to be further developed later in the series. Some of the subplots even go on to redirect into the main plot of the story over time. Now while there are several subplots the plot itself is not hindered by this nor is the pace of the story. The plot moves along at a fairly quick pace actually, making you want to keep turning page after page.

    The characters are a great help in keeping the pace so lively as well. They also each have a distinctive personality. Some work well together, while others go against each other as naturally as fire and water. And some we only get a slight feel for in this book. No matter the case they all feel genuine and very much to be real people. Some have you grinding your teeth and wanting to hit them. Others have you wanting to hug them or laugh out loud. Still others you might want to sit down and have a conversation with.

    Now the setting on the other hand is its own character all by itself. While some of it seems boring and mundane at first. Once the magical world opens up it quickly becomes very lively, bold, and bright. You can see the vast difference between the muggle (non-magical folks for those who don't know) world and the magical world very clearly. Rowling makes you want to reach out and touch everything in this world. She makes you able to picture everything clearly in your mind as well.

    J. K. Rowling has done a wonderful job introducing the Harry Potter series in this novel. She does such a wonderful job so much so that when you finish reading it you are craving the next book in the series as soon as you close the cover on this one. While some would say it's only a children's tale I would remind them that so were The Chronicles of Narnia as well as The Hobbit, and both are now acclaimed reading in adult circles that no one dares to call just a children's tale. J. K. Rowling puts just as much an effort as both in her world building as is done in those works in my opinion. I'm giving Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone five stars out of five stars.

Why I Became A Smoker And Now Choose To Quit

I've been a smoker for 14 years and by the time I quit it will have been 15 years. I had smoked one at 17, but I didn't become hooked when I did. It was at 18 that I became a full-fledged smoker. I was having a really stressful day, and went to what I thought was a friend's house that day. He gave me a cigarette and I got a high off it, and when it wore off I asked for another. Before I knew it I had gone through six of them in an hour. From that point on I was hooked. So why did I do it?

    Hell I'd been lectured all my life that it was bad for me, but at the same time people around me did it. The people I was supposed to respect and look up to did it while at the same time saying I wasn't supposed to. Of course some of them quit, but it still said to me it was alright to do it for a little while. Of course that still doesn't mean I made a smart choice. And yes I was stressed out, but I could have made a smarter choice. Yes I had more major issues back then, but that doesn't excuse my poor choice. So the real answer is I don't know why I did it. Now the next question is why did I keep doing it?

    Because it was easier than quitting. I tried the patch as a way out, but was allergic to it. The Chantix that was supposed to be the answer cost a ton of money. As did every other method. To me it was like if they want you to quit why not make it cheaper than it is to smoke. I kept saying to myself it's just cheaper to keep smoking versus paying more in a month to quit than I was paying for my smoking habit. Over time I didn't think about quitting much. So what has changed now?

    In the past few months my grandfather has had two heart attacks, which my grandmother says is due to his forty years of smoking. That got me thinking to quit after twenty years of smoking initially. Then I read a blog post on quitting smoking that a friend posted on Facebook, which focused on the mentality on quitting. This got me thinking about why I'm putting it off. More importantly what good does it do me to wait?

    I came to the conclusion that it does me no good to put it off. So I started planning my quit date, and how I would go about doing it. I began seeking out advice, and made my announcement. Now I'm making preparations for that day, and getting ready for the challenge. I hope this has helped explain some of what is going on in my head and past in regards to smoking and me. On a side note the book review will be out later today. I hope you have a good day or night depending on when you read this. Bye for now.

Plans For The Future Of This Blog And My Health

So recently there has been a lot given to me for input on how to improve my health and on how I maintain my household. None of it was forced upon me either, it was all asked for and gladly received. Now for those of you who don't know I have a counselor, and I'm not the best housekeeper. Plus also recently my grandfather has suffered a couple of severe heart attacks that my grandmother says are due to the 40 years he smoked, and I'm currently a smoker myself. So that also got me thinking. On top of all that I'm overweight and not happy about it, so something needs to be done further than what I've already done in my own opinion.

    Now I haven't got a plan set into stone yet about my weight, but I'm going to quit smoking on January 1, 2015. For those who want to help the best way possible is to not mention smoking to me in any form after that date. Up until then I'll be taking suggestions on how to aid in my campaign to quit nicotine as I'm calling it. My initial plan is to shut myself in for a month, and then gradual reintegrate myself into the world outside after that. I'll also be getting rid of all my tobacco, tubes, ashtrays, and lighters. As well as anything else that directly relates to smoking for me. As well as overhauling the house a bit in the cleaning department to reflect this change and removing reminders of my smoking days from it. Furthermore as some have already suggested leading up to the quit date I'll be working on cutting down on my smoking the month before, and I will be investing in hard candy and gum. As the other motivations for me quitting that will take longer to explain, so I will save that for my blog entry tomorrow.

    As for the future of this blog, I'm adding a bit of structure to it. Not too much since I still want to be able to speak on whatever is going on with me; has me thinking; or if I just have a story I want to share here. But after reading an article on having themed days for blogs I think it would be a good idea to have three out of the four days laid out in some sort of structured way. Now the article got me thinking about this and my counselor furthered my thinking. You see like some of my fellow writers I'm not a good housekeeper at the moment, as I mentioned above, and yet I want to be. So I'm going to try and get my act together on that front, and I'm bringing you all along for the ride. On Wednesdays you will all get to hear how I've done on my goal of being a better housekeeper, and what adventures I've gotten up to in the pursuit of it. I promise I'll do my best to make it more interesting than it sounds. So what about the other two days you're probably thinking? Well Mondays have pretty much become dedicated to a book club I'm part of so I figure that would be the best day to post a book review each week. Don't worry I won't run out of books to review anytime soon either I have tons of books to review all the way back to 2012 that haven't been written up yet. So I can keep reading and getting ahead while filling the backlog. And sliding in a more current one here and there at the same time. Now that leaves me with one day and that day is Friday. A friend and fellow writer linked me to a Bing catalog of writing prompts, so I think I will take Friday and select one and write something on it to share with everyone. And then if you want you can do your own inspired creation in the comments.

    As for other plans for the next few months, well I'm going to redo my office space and get an exercise plan into place. Mainly that means getting a new desk and desk chair. As well as getting a new reading chair and table. Plus I'm thinking of doing some basketball and maybe some sort of swimming routine though definitely not swimming laps. I'll have to wait and see what the local YMCA has to offer first. But mostly it's about getting my health back on track and reconditioning my environment to help me be as productive as possible. The new blog routine will start first thing Monday as well. I hope you have a good day or night depending on when you are reading this. Wish me luck.

What The Freedom Of Speech Means To Me

    So fair warning this is going to be a political themed entry though I'm going to try and keep it mainly personal in relation to me. You have been warned, read in at your own risk. And these are a little longer than what I have been posting I freely admit.

    So I was going through my social media sites this morning and a common theme kept popping up, and that was, The Freedom Of Speech. So it got me thinking what does that really mean to me? I mean we all claim it and say we have it many times in our life, but what does it really mean to each of us personally. Little side note I will probably cover other rights in the future as well, but I will try not to clump them all together as one big blob of blog entries to digest all at once. So now the next question is where to start on such a big topic?

    Well right here with this blog is probably the best place to start since it's right where we are. For me "the freedom of speech" applies to this blog in the sense that I can say anything I want on this blog. As long as I'm not calling for harm to others, full out rebellion, or some other illegal action directly, there is nothing the government can do to me if they disagree with my views other than post a comment saying they do. Well they could also write me a letter politely asking to post their view or asking me to take it down, but nothing that forces me to do either of those things. And I enjoy that freedom, but I also try to use it wisely as well. I know I'm not impartial, but I try to think before I start typing. Before I post a blog I write it out free writing style, then I go through it and reread it editing it as I go. I also think about is that the right way to put something or a fair characterization of something in my opinion as I'm editing as well. And if I'm proven wrong I'll gladly post a retraction on something like any good blogger should do in my opinion, but that is what it is my opinion. Everyone has one, and I don't agree with everyone I freely admit that.

    But that is why debates and forums were created I believe. To share ideas and let people's minds be changed or solidified on an idea. Right now people are so polarized that these things just turn into name calling fests instead of constructive events. Don't believe me just looks at the comment sections in the news sections of your favorite news site for current events in the world. Or even look at a current even on Facebook or Google Plus and see what happens. To bring it back on track a bit those people too are protected by freedom of speech. But there employer might see it and decide to fire them or penalize them and that is not protected under "freedom of speech" from happening. Well unless there employer is the government maybe.

    Now this fact I don't agree with even though it has caused problems for some people whose views I don't agree with. But the reason I don't agree with it is, because what it means is that your boss can now control what you do on your time off from work on social media. It was established during the industrial revolution when working conditions were improved that time off was time off and not to be used for extra work not paid for by management to be done by the worker. But now that social media has come along companies are using it to snoop on their workers private lives and political views to make sure they are in line with them. Now this is a violation of The Right To Privacy, which I will cover another time. But it also has made a lot of people cower from their companies, and censor themselves from using their right to free speech since they are not at this time protected from their employers if they object to their views. The only time I think you should be punished for something you do on social media concerning work is when you use it when you are supposed to be working. Otherwise as long as you use it when you are off the clock that is your personal space to say what you want, and post what you want. As long as you are not someplace representing the company where what you say is being taken as what the company's views are then there should be no punishment. I might forget that I think that way sometimes in the heat of a situation, but it is how it should be and we need some legislation to make it that way. Workers are losing their social lives and freedoms in their social lives cause of companies forcing their way into their social media.

    So how does that relate to me and my views on the freedom of speech you are probably wondering? Well I will probably be considered a renegade in my lifetime, as well as a risk taker in the workplace. Cause I refuse to censor myself on any social media. I'll always be who I am at heart here and everywhere online. Which means I might need a few smacks upside the head now and then, but overall it's a good thing I think. And yes this means it may cost me a job here and there. It might cost me a publishing deal. But if I can't be me and can't be honest with my fans then is it really worth it. Don't get me wrong I want the money, but I'm not willing to sell my soul for it. I'm not saying some have. I just think they have lost the edge they used to have as teenagers in younger generations, and that these younger generations overall don't have the fight that previous generations have. Don't get me wrong I've seen sparks of it, but I haven't seen the roar of the flames I saw in the younger generations in the history books and in my generation.

    I swear I started today's blog meaning to stick to a straight and narrow line of the freedom of speech, but somehow it has gotten sidetracked a bit because of how it interacts within my life in a sense. I'm a writer so I can never shut up when it comes to writing. Though sometimes I let things simmer till they come to a boil and are just right to put down to paper. Seems a lot of things were at a boil today. But the freedom of speech is important to me because it allows me to say all of it without any censorship. Sure there are certain things you can't do with your speech for safety or legal reasons. But most of them are common sense things from what I've read about. I think it is fundamentally important to be able to express yourself whether you are an artist or an author or even just a protestor on the street.

    So hopefully this gives you an idea of what the freedom of speech means to me, and if not let me know in the comments below. I hope you enjoyed this post despite it being so political and that you have a good day or night depending on when you read this. Bye for now.

Reflections On Camp Nanowrimo

    So Camp Nanowrimo came to a close on July 31, and I didn't complete my goal of 10,000 words this year. Hell I didn't even break 2,000 words. But that's OK, because at least I gave it a shot, and found out where I was. Plus I got a good head start on a project I'm working on with a great group of fellow writers. So what did I manage for Camp Nanowrimo? I managed to get 1,485 words typed up for the month of July on one particular project. Now that does not take into account all the other writing I did during that month, just the work I did on that one project. And for those of you who know me, you know I work on multiple projects at any given time.

    For the month of July and I will include the first two days of August as well. I managed to get what I listed above done. Plus 683 words written in a Christmas story I'm working on, four essays done, an annotated bibliography, the third chapter of The Gunslinger Chronicles written, the first chapter of The Gunslinger Chronicles revised for the first time, and roughly 12 250 words each Discussion Boards (not counting replies to others) done. I'd say overall that wasn't too bad.

    So now you might be asking what I plan to do when Nanowrimo comes calling in November. Well I'll tell you what I plan to do. I plan to participate like I did with Camp Nanowrimo. To some that might seem shocking and to others it might seem admirable. I think Sylvester Stallone said it well in Rocky Balboa when he said, "It ain't about how hard you hit in life, because life is going to hit you harder than anybody can. It's about how many times you can get up after you have been knocked down." I probably butchered the quote and for that I apologize. But you get what I mean hopefully. We all make mistakes, and fail at some things from time to time. The question you have to ask then is, do you try again or just walk away. Me, I choose I keep trying till I get it right. I know I can get this done. And even if it turns out I can't write a novel in a month it's still good quality time spend with other writers talking about writing on a daily basis. Which is something I enjoy doing in life already.

    I was once compared to Stephen King, and I may not be the next version of him. I may not make a fortune at doing writing for a living. Not that I'm not going to try. But if I don't, one thing is for sure I'm going to have a happy life. Even if I'm not financially successful as some people keep putting as the most important thing in life. I put a higher price tag (pardon the irony here) on doing what you love to do, and enjoying life to the fullest you possibly can. Sure money can buy me things, but it can't buy me the most important things I have had in my life. That being the great friends I have and the experiences I have had that make up my life. I look forward to having more of both as I go forward in life.

    Now I have some homework for you my readers. Leave me some comments telling me what you want to see covered here other than just my ramblings. I hope you enjoyed your visit here and have a good day or night depending on when you read this.