Sometimes You Have To Open Old Wounds To Grow

    So for those of you who are on Facebook with me you already know I'm making a plan for a new form of therapy to help me heal, and calling it writing therapy. But some wounds won't heal without the scab being ripped off first. So as I sit hear examining who I've been through the years and who I am now. I'm seeing flashbacks and memories I'm not happy with and regrets.

    I've been a pretty shitty person in some ways in my past as I see it. Maybe I'm too hard on myself being an internal perfectionist, maybe not. I've done things I'm not proud of, been places in my mind I hope no one ever has to go. I've broken hearts that in retrospect were for stupid reasons when I was younger. I've been abused by ex-girlfriends as an adult mentally. I've felt like I wasn't worth anything. Hell I felt so lonely near one Christmas I tried to kill myself with alcohol. Trust me I paid for that.

    There are days where I just can't make myself want to get up. My body just feels like a ton of bricks. So I give in and sleep all day till evening. Sometimes the only thing that wakes me up is dinner. There are days when I want to go out, and I actually manage to find the energy and will power to do it on my own without any external motivation. But those are few and far between. Cleaning and filing are hard to get me to do in general without external motivation unless it involves organizing a bookshelf or computer files or an area I'm concerned about, but even that takes time.

    And yet somehow I keep trying and fighting. I keep trying to fit into the world as it wants me to. Keep trying to find love, Keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me and fix it. Including the light headedness I get every time I sit up or stand up. And sometimes I even wonder if this is karma for something I did at some point in time. Or just in general why all this bad stuff has happened to me.

    I just know I can't, and won't give up. And that I have the greatest friends in the world. And I do apologize for this not being a more cheerful post., but I've always been open with you, my readers, and I'm not about to start hiding from you now. Or ever. But I have to get back to my therapy planning, but you'll hear from me later or tomorrow at the latest. Bye for now.