So I've missed a couple posts due to sleep issues and doing so much thinking. I'm sorry I'll try to do better next week when there is hopefully less weighing on my head, just these questions are haunting me. And maybe I have some answers for you here.
To the first one how do I neglect/ abuse myself? I put everyone first no matter what. No matter how rough of shape I'm in or emotional turmoil I'm in, I just suck it up and put everyone first. I push myself to the breaking point and sometimes even further to help others. I rarely ever put myself first though it has gotten better over the years though not trying to make any excuses. I even put hygiene on the back burner as well as cleaning my own house. Then I have to play catch up with everything.
To the second one how do I deem myself unworthy? The first one is easy it comes with my weight and all the stares I get from wearing sweatpants but thinking I have no right wearing jeans as big as I am. Doubting at times I deserve love because I'm so big and so poor and have so many health problems as well as failed so much. I've always been big, and lack of good looks and being athletic looking has haunted me through my teen years even at my lowest weight. Never being muscular enough or looking enough like the in singer or band member. Constantly rejected by female friends with lines like you're too good of a friend. The first girlfriend I had kept me a secret because I wasn't popular enough. She would talk to me for hours on the phone but never in school and made it known she wanted another guy publicly. That's the obvious one though. The other one is never really feeling like I could do well enough in school, mainly because to me my family never seemed to think what I did was good enough. It was always good job but keep it up. Or good job but you can do better. Might be what made me an internal perfectionist. So to this day I'm never satisfied with my grade in a class, and I'm not even sure if I would be at peace with a 100 in a class. Third is that parts of who I have been and some of my health problems are denied and it feels like parts of me are denied in a way by some of my family as they have been for years. Makes me feel like they can't accept what is wrong with me, like they feel if they do it is like admitting I'm some sort of defect and that makes me unworthy.
I've had my self-esteem beaten down most of 33 years, so I know I have a pretty big mountain to climb. But I did it once before just not the right way. I lost part of myself in that climb that makes me better than what I was when I made that climb. So this time I will make that climb and keep that part of me. It won't be easy and I know I'm going to make some people mad. But I have to do this for me. I have to do this to get to where I want to be. I have to do this to get what I want out of life. And yes you can expect more emotional dumps on the page. It took a long time for me to get to this point and to be beat down this low, so please bear with me. And no matter how bleak it may seem that I will recover please don't give up on me. Maybe that is also another reason I don't feel worthy, so many people gave up on me. But for now I'll leave it here, bye for now.
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