Story Friday Sort Of

    This is a little different than Story Friday it's more like Saturday Thoughts in some sense. There is no writing prompt just a story about me as I express my feelings here. So maybe it is a combination of Saturday Thoughts and Throwback Thursday this week. But I wanted to get it out of my system and onto the paper since realizing it.

    You see I keep putting things off that I need or want to do, and it struck me that for a great many of them it is because I feel I have not earned them. It goes back to childhood where I was always told I had to wait till Christmas time or I hadn't gotten high enough grades to get something. Or I wasn't old enough to earn that right yet. Some of these are normal I know, but they all just sort of snowballed on me. I think the one that did it the most was not having high enough grades for some stuff.

    So now I put off going out to see friends if not enough writing or school work is done because I haven't earned the right to have a social life in my mind outside of my online social life. I put off certain purchases because I haven't earned the right to have it yet. I don't have new furniture because I put it off, because I'm poor I only deserve hand me downs till I can pull my own weight and earn the right to have new furniture. Though this is changing starting with my office. But it is still a battle since I have trouble sitting at my desk partially due to my desk chair and partially due to feeling like I have no right to sit at it because I haven't earned the right to yet.

    Hell I keep putting off redoing my wardrobe and going back to jeans because I feel like I haven't earned the right because I'm close to 400 lbs. so I should be in sweat pants. But I put off getting a gym membership of any sort because only working people have a right to that sort of thing so I haven't earned that right either since I'm only a student. I keep smoking because deep down I don't believe I've earned the right to be healthy like other people, like I'm paying the penalty for some age old crime.

    So now I've seen the problem what do I do about it. I could just roll over and let it be. Or I could crawl into a bottle and let it consume me. Or I can try to fight against it. The only way I will lose is if I give in. I've made a lot of breakthroughs about how and why I think and act a certain way over the last year or so. And thanks to my friend Jeni I've also gained a lot of confidence. I have hope and confidence that this New Year is going to bring about some new changes. So buckle up and get ready for one wild right folks. *Tips his hat and walks out the door*.