Apologies for being so late today and for being so quiet
the past couple of days. It has been a crazy week so far. It always is around
the first of the month though. But I’m working on getting back into the swing
of things as quickly as possible and adjusting my schedule to fit with some of
the changes I have to make going forward. I know I have to change my Monday and
Friday schedules since counseling has changed to Monday now. Which makes me
want to get stuff done quicker so I have a relaxation day on Sunday since I won’t
have it on Monday now.
But today I figured I would look at the trauma in my life
since it is fresh on my mind and we are going to be diving deeper into it in
counseling. It hurts to do so not just emotionally but all through the body so
I know I will be coming home on Mondays hurting. So I probably won’t be doing
much on Mondays now other than reflecting on counseling, writing, and reading.
So you might get a double post on Mondays we will see. But where shall I start
with my trauma for today. I think I’ll start with my dating life, which started
when I was 15 years old. It didn’t start off good either I started out being
used and then went to being mentally abused. From there I was cheated on
repeatedly and then used again a few more times. Mentally abused again, you get
the picture.
It tends to make one not feel worthy of being loved, yet
somehow I strive for it still. It is hard to be like I deserve to be treated
with respect and dignity when I’ve been tread under so many shoes. As well as
tossed aside like I am nothing to people. But somehow I pick myself up and dust
myself off every time. Mainly with the help of friends.
But it has been hard feeling like I deserve such good
friends too when I was bullied for the first ten years of my life at school and
on the bus ride to school. No matter what I tried or did it still kept
happening. So I did the only thing I knew how to do in response I lashed out. I
still treasure the friendships I made during those years because they helped me
get through a rough time in my life. But it was hard to feel like I was worthy
of friends even then when people are telling you how weird and what a loser you
are. Picking on you because you are overweight and different.
It wasn’t my fault I was so socially awkward though I had
been kept so socially isolated since I had been born other than preschool. My
family was so judgmental of everyone else. They saw them as below them or a bad
influence as they would put it. I understand it some and some I still don’t.
But the more I understand the better I am better able to cope with it and
process it. Though I am sure there is still some to process that I don’t see.
And yes many have apologized since it has all happened
and I do forgive them but there are still scars to heal. But I am the only one
who can heal them now. And that is what will happen through counseling.
Hopefully it will help me get better at cleaning and following through with
some of the self-caring things I want to do for myself. I hope you have not
minded taking this short journey with me. It is one of many I will be taking
through the upcoming weeks so please bear with me. For now I need a couple of
pain pills since I feel like I just went a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson,
*Tips his hat and walks out the door towards the medicine cabinet.*
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