Some
would say it is too early for deep thinking, but my brain never chooses when to
think deep thoughts and when not to. I know it is not Thursday but the memories
are surfacing now so now is the best time to handle them. Especially since they
are so emotionally charged. And they are not bad memories. As you know I grew
up isolated so I was the awkward kid in elementary school. I even had my first
crush at 5. I know I’m weird. I left Gorham during what some used to call the
Junior High years. And went to Portland for middle school. I fit in better
there after adjusting, but I was still not the in kid. I don’t think I was ever
meant to be. My first girlfriend would only talk to me on the phone and never
be seen in public with me since we weren’t in the same social groups.
But
then I met Maria sitting on a bench one day and I walked her home and we just
talked. Which somehow I have this natural flirt thing in me. I don’t know it
just exists since the next day I was told I had been flirting with her by her
older sister. Soon after that we got together. She was my first everything
basically. But she also helped me learn how to fit in. And at other times she
let me just be me. Over time I have found the right balance for being in
public. I still remember nights when we had both run away when we would just
lay together talking about life. So what brought this all back to me you might
be asking.
Going
to the movies yesterday and sitting in the back row. As teenagers that was our
row. Where we would make out during the movie. It was out private space away
from everyone else in a sense. But despite all the emotions resurfacing and
memories coming back to me it doesn’t make me change my mind about Ashley I am
still betting on a future with her and her kids. I’m not going down to visit
her for Thanksgiving when we initially planned. Instead I am going down around
February when bus fares are more reasonable. I am pretty sure things will click
in person and she is worried they might not. And I understand that as well as
her other fears. She hasn’t had an easy life.
But
I am willing to walk through the hell fires for her. I enjoy our talks about
the future and life goals as well as just life in general. How open we can be
with each other. It has been a long time before I have felt I can be that way
with anyone. I think I am finally journeying towards my own happiness. It will
take some work sure and some compromise but I am sure it will be a happy ending
in the end. For once I don’t have to wear a mask and it feels good. I can be
the vulnerable me which is hard to do. It has gotten me hurt a lot. So I built
up a wall around me for a long time and now it has come down. That is hard to
do for anyone.
I’ll
never be the type who really goes out to a bar unless it is a quiet bar. And even
then it will just be for a drink with friends and talking. I’m not the strip
club type of guy because I don’t see the point in it. I’m not the mixing and
mingling type of guy unless introduced, except on the bus for some reason. The
bus seems to be the one place I will always start up a conversation. Sure I go
places and do things but I have my own closed group for the most part and meet
people through others in general. I’m just shy basically. Unless I already know
someone from online than the shyness isn’t as bad. Online I can be me and
vulnerable because I have confidence in my words more. Because they are written
instead of spoken. And once I have confidence built up I can do better in
person. Not sure if any of this makes any sense.
But
it is a deeper look into me. But I think I have rambled on long enough for
another day. As always leave your comments and questions below. And if you don’t
want to miss a post enter your email address above to get posts in your inbox.
As for me I’m going to surf around Facebook for a while, but first I need a
drink. *Tips his hat and walks out the door heading towards the kitchen. *
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