I apologize for there being no
column yesterday got wrapped up in a family BBQ and was worn out afterwards.
Though this morning has been no picnic either as I have had to look in the
mirror and realize that I was a victim of childhood abuse. Nothing sexual. But
it was still abuse beyond even what I already recognized. All this time I just
blinded myself with saying I was brought up strict. It is hard to type and will
be harder to face in therapy but I will get through it. Because not only am I a
victim I am a survivor. I apologize for not warning you of the hard content of
today’s column beforehand but I had to get it out and this is not going to be
an easy one to write or a pleasant one to write. You may have to wait till next
week for that double posting with the book review.
As some of you know I live with my
grandparents when I was young. And I had great times with my grandmother whose
only crime is standing by and being a bystander in all of this. My grandfather had
me and my dad sleeping in the top of the house he had that was not adequately heated
by any stretch of the imagination. Hell the floors got so cold they had to put
down thin rugs and I couldn’t even bear to stay up there and play barely other
than in spring and fall. Cause it was either too hot or cold. He could have put
us in the basement or at least me since my dad was sued to that sort of
sleeping condition. But he didn’t.
I was treated like I was in the military
by him getting yelled at for stepping out of line in the least little bit. I
would get hit if that didn’t work. When I was really young there was hair
pulling as well. My grandmother once sat on me but I was way out of control at
that point lost in one of my manic rages and she had no other way to control me
at that point. But this was hitting for stuff like not picking up your toys. I
was forced to sit at the table till I finished everything on my plate even if
it went past my bedtime. Made to be as quiet as a mouse after dinner so the
adults could watch their shows after dinner. Till I started watching them too.
That doesn’t count the isolation or
the way the whole neighborhood was looked down upon by him. How no one was ever
good enough for his family. How we should just be an island unto ourselves
unless he approved of a family. Well I refuse to live that way and I refuse to
be quiet about it anymore. And the only reason he gets to see my son at all is
cause the State lets him and because my dad’s fiancée, Pam is around and I know
she will keep my son safe from abuse. My dad inherited yelling and spanking
though not so much the isolating from my grandfather. He is trying to be a
better human being after what he went through. But it is hard to come to terms
with that type of abuse when you are an adult.
Especially when you are not a fan of
counselors. My dad’s side of the family can hate me now I don’t care. They won’t
keep me from seeing my son when the time is right. That is between me and my son
and the adoptive parents who are welcome to contact me anytime. But I cannot
stay quiet anymore. I’m tired of being told to be quiet and that my views don’t
matter. I am tired of being looked down upon by my own family. I have had
enough and I am not going to take it anymore. They preach you have to love
everyone. Well they are wrong because I don’t have to love the person who hurt
me and refuses to admit any mistakes were made.
Me and my dad are working on repairing
our relationship. And hopefully after this we still be. But I’m not being quiet
anymore. That is what got me to this point. I am standing up for myself and
taking back my life. I know counseling and dealing with all of this is going to
be hard. Not as hard as some have it but still hard. At least my dad admitted
he had made mistakes along the way and tries to make up for it with my son. And
I am going to make myself whole again no matter how hard the counseling
sessions are.
As always feel free to leave
questions and comments below. Me, I need a cup of coffee and some time to
digest this a bit since you got it raw. Hopefully you will get a book review
later. And hopefully later and tomorrow I will be more cheerful. *Tips his hat
and walks out the door, punching a hole in the wall as he does as he heads for
the brewer. *
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