Saturday Thoughts: Memories Surfacing

            Some would say it is too early for deep thinking, but my brain never chooses when to think deep thoughts and when not to. I know it is not Thursday but the memories are surfacing now so now is the best time to handle them. Especially since they are so emotionally charged. And they are not bad memories. As you know I grew up isolated so I was the awkward kid in elementary school. I even had my first crush at 5. I know I’m weird. I left Gorham during what some used to call the Junior High years. And went to Portland for middle school. I fit in better there after adjusting, but I was still not the in kid. I don’t think I was ever meant to be. My first girlfriend would only talk to me on the phone and never be seen in public with me since we weren’t in the same social groups.

            But then I met Maria sitting on a bench one day and I walked her home and we just talked. Which somehow I have this natural flirt thing in me. I don’t know it just exists since the next day I was told I had been flirting with her by her older sister. Soon after that we got together. She was my first everything basically. But she also helped me learn how to fit in. And at other times she let me just be me. Over time I have found the right balance for being in public. I still remember nights when we had both run away when we would just lay together talking about life. So what brought this all back to me you might be asking.

            Going to the movies yesterday and sitting in the back row. As teenagers that was our row. Where we would make out during the movie. It was out private space away from everyone else in a sense. But despite all the emotions resurfacing and memories coming back to me it doesn’t make me change my mind about Ashley I am still betting on a future with her and her kids. I’m not going down to visit her for Thanksgiving when we initially planned. Instead I am going down around February when bus fares are more reasonable. I am pretty sure things will click in person and she is worried they might not. And I understand that as well as her other fears. She hasn’t had an easy life.

            But I am willing to walk through the hell fires for her. I enjoy our talks about the future and life goals as well as just life in general. How open we can be with each other. It has been a long time before I have felt I can be that way with anyone. I think I am finally journeying towards my own happiness. It will take some work sure and some compromise but I am sure it will be a happy ending in the end. For once I don’t have to wear a mask and it feels good. I can be the vulnerable me which is hard to do. It has gotten me hurt a lot. So I built up a wall around me for a long time and now it has come down. That is hard to do for anyone.

            I’ll never be the type who really goes out to a bar unless it is a quiet bar. And even then it will just be for a drink with friends and talking. I’m not the strip club type of guy because I don’t see the point in it. I’m not the mixing and mingling type of guy unless introduced, except on the bus for some reason. The bus seems to be the one place I will always start up a conversation. Sure I go places and do things but I have my own closed group for the most part and meet people through others in general. I’m just shy basically. Unless I already know someone from online than the shyness isn’t as bad. Online I can be me and vulnerable because I have confidence in my words more. Because they are written instead of spoken. And once I have confidence built up I can do better in person. Not sure if any of this makes any sense.

            But it is a deeper look into me. But I think I have rambled on long enough for another day. As always leave your comments and questions below. And if you don’t want to miss a post enter your email address above to get posts in your inbox. As for me I’m going to surf around Facebook for a while, but first I need a drink. *Tips his hat and walks out the door heading towards the kitchen. *

Rambling Friday: Getting Ready For Halloween

            Still having sleep issues though partly my own fault as I push myself to stay up late to finish schoolwork, but it has to get done. But I did take a few naps yesterday so I should be fairly good to go for a little while today. And yesterday was interesting for me as well. I reached out to someone who used to bully me and I think I made a new friend. At least I hope I have. I probably could have back in high school when I went back but I went back with a chip on my shoulder. I’ve since gotten rid of that chip and done a lot of maturing like all of us from back then have. We have all found ourselves for the most part. Some are still working on it, and if they are reading this I’m always a message away and willing to help. That goes for anyone reading this as well. I’ll answer and ask questions and give advice if you want. But only you can ultimately guide your ship through the currents of life. But I will give as much support as I can.

            I will be being published in an anthology around November 15 of this year. Still getting more details and as I get them so will you. I am really excited about this project. I couldn’t have made it as good as I did without my editor Lynette Lee. She is a miracle worker in the editing department. Stay tuned for more details on her as well. I’m really excited for this anthology. I know I was published last year and that was great don’t get me wrong. But that was with friends and we did it ourselves. This time I am being published by someone who isn’t a friend and doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall, so it means more in a different way. Though I will probably end up friends with the publisher. You never know.

            And today I start gearing up for Halloween. Getting the burgers and popcorn and candy for that night. Plus, picking out the scary movies I will be watching. Along with picking out the scary stories I will be reading. Personally I think I am just going to read stories from Nightmare Magazine since they are nice and creepy for me. They don’t scare me really but they do make me wonder and sent a nice little chill down my spine at times. I’ll have to think of what else I need to get for tomorrow night as well. I’m sure I’m forgetting something. Maybe some chips and dip not sure though. I just know I plan to stay up all night enjoying it. I know it will screw up my sleeping pattern possibly but I can fix it in time before it gets out of control I am confident.

            Looking back on the month I didn’t get out as much as I wanted to, but I still got out a lot. Though mainly to appointments and stuff. I will be aiming for more time next month. Especially since I have started to enjoy people watching. And you never know who you are going to meet on the street. And I did get to spend a lot of time with family this month, which was good for me. I want to get as much time just sitting out and about as I can before the snow sets in. I’m not a big fan of sitting out and about when the snow is out. I general just want to get where I am going. But I am picking out places to go for the winter.

            One of them is definitely the movie theater. I’m also thinking about the public library as well. Maybe even the public market as well. They do have good food up there and some coffee so I could sit up there for a while and relax. There is also window shopping possibly I know a few stores in the area I want to look into a bit. Going to be looking into more. Plus, there is the mall and I have a few friends to visit during the winter as well. And there is the museum, which I hope to check out next month. But they are always bringing in new exhibits so I won’t get bored to easily.

            Normally for winter I would stay home like a hermit, but I am determined not to do that this year. Getting out has been really good for me. I’m even planning a trip for February to see Ashley. More on that as it gets closer. I just have to be careful I don’t away too far in any one direction. I know balance is the key to it. I figure be out during the day and working on stuff at night and watching a movie late at night before reading and going to bed or something like that. I’m still fine tuning all the details at the moment. I’ll get it there eventually. Right now it is just a cluster of ideas.

            Well I think I have rambled along enough for one day. Feel free to leave questions and comments below. Plus, don’t miss a post by clicking the follow button. As for me I think I might grab a snack. *Tips his hat and walks out the door heading for the kitchen. *

Throwback Thursday: Me And Halloween

            I know I wasn’t around yesterday, but I just couldn’t stay awake for some reason. Now I am wide awake for the most part and before writing this I flipped through Facebook a bit. Only thing that really got my mind turning was an eggless Mayo that I might try, so that I can improve my cholesterol and help in my weight loss a bit. I’m always for healthier food to eat after all. Though I don’t care what WHO says I am not giving up my bacon or my processed meats. Sorry I will take my chances with that stuff since I only get it like once a month for the most part, maybe twice a month. But that is a rant better saved for another time. For today we are talking about me and Halloween through the years.

            I wasn’t always in love with Halloween as a holiday like I am today. It started more in my teen years when I had more freedom to do things on Halloween Night. As well as around that time I started to enjoy scary stuff more. Though still not a big fan of haunted houses, but working on that more. And they definitely don’t seem as scary as when I was a kid. I thank Mrs. Gagnon’s mother for that. She knew how to get inside my imagination and make it work to my advantage. She always made things much more fun and knew how to get me thinking outside the box. On a side note she is probably one of the reasons I am a writer today. But alas I am starting to sway from the topic at hand.

            As a kid my dad either took me around to a few houses in the neighborhood trick or treating. Basically driving me to every house instead of walking, which would have done my weight a lot better even in those days. Or he took me down to the local fire station that he was a member of for the Halloween party. Many of those trips were as a California Raisin because he spent his money on toys for himself mainly instead of a Halloween Costume for me. Although on a side note he was good to me for the most part at Christmas time and still is. But back to where I was going. The fire barn as we always called the station had a haunted house every year in half of it. For the first few years it scared the crap out of me. Mostly I just hung out, but not many of my friends were there, not really sure where they were. Probably someplace I was not invited because of being such an outcast from being socially isolated. But I do believe we have covered that ground already. So I would mi and mingle as best I could, which I am not that good at even to this day.

            Then one year Mrs. Gagnon’s mom asked to take me. I was excited to for the first time in a long time for the Halloween Party at the fire barn. She had me filled with stories of her being an an agent for them and how she needed me as a deputy to make sure everything was going right in the haunted house since they all recognized her. I was scared of the haunted house sure. But being giving a responsibility to do something for good made me braver. That Halloween was a blast; I mean sure the haunted house scared me. But not as bad as in years past by far. I felt stronger after going through it that year and more accepted after it a bit too. I still didn’t mingle too well but she helped as best as she could. I think it was there that my love of Halloween was lit though only as embers at the time.

            As I got older I went to other parties in Portland instead of always being stuck out in Gorham. I marched in the annual Halloween Parade that goes through the West End of Portland spooking out in a sense the malicious spirits. Gone trick or treating all through the city. Shared scary stories with friends. Even went to a graveyard once on Halloween. Respectfully of course. One thing that was constant throughout school was the next day candy bragging. Or in other words bragging about how much candy you got. I stayed out of that game. I was just happy for the fun and spookiness that had raged the night before.

            But now I am getting older and my friends have all moved to different places for the most part. I mean sure I have the annual Halloween Dance to go to. But I still don’t mingle well and it is the night before Halloween. Part of me misses the excitement of days gone by and part of me is still up for it though there is nothing really going on that appeals to me. I was never the bar type really unless it was a slow night where you could actually talk in a bar. You know one of those cozy hole in the wall places that few people go to that you can sit and talk with your drink. Not like these loud and packed to the wall places now. But I think I will save stories of me and bars for next week. If the theaters were doing a scary movie marathon I would go to that for sure. Have dinner nearby and invite some close friends. Maybe another year. This year at this point I am just sitting at home watching scary movies and reading some scary stories to creep myself out hopefully. As well as eating candy, popcorn, burgers, and fries. And whatever else I might decide to dine on that night.

            But who knows something might come up. You never know. Halloween has never been the same really since I was married on it. A marriage, which quickly went south. Not because of me but because of my soon to be ex-wife. The papers will finally be signed in the next two years. But still it has taken its toll on me already. Both good and bad. As always leave your questions and comments below. And don’t miss a single post click that follow button please. As for me I have a now late paper to finish before I go to the movies later today. *Tips his hat and walks out the creaking door towards the study. *