Taking A Good Hard Look In The Mirror

            Well like I said yesterday I am taking a good hard look in the mirror today. I started by looking in the mirror physically tonight before dinner. I wasn’t happy with what I saw, mostly from hitting the wall the other night. I still want to lose more weight, so I am going to keep dieting like I have been as well as eating smaller portions. I know in the end I will lose the weight I want to, but it will take time and dedication. And, I am alright with that. Plus, I still get to eat a lot of the foods I like. I mainly limit my intake of processed foods along with eating more veggies. Especially when I want a snack. That and nuts.

            I still like my sweets, but I try to limit them to a point. I keep the chocolate in the fridge and eat it at leisure instead of all at once. I’m also trying to eat my feelings less. Putting them more into the blog and thinking of writing some poetry to help with emotions as well. I also am relaxing more and trying to loosen up a bit since stress can be a factor in weight gain and retention. I am working on dealing with things as they need to be dealt with and not worrying aka stressing as much. It’s a slow process, but I am making progress.  And, I am confident within a couple of years I will be someplace comfortable.

            On the other hand, I am still struggling with house cleaning. I mean part of it is I grew up with such strong women figures that did their own thing and ran the house as well. So, I am used to that and being in the supporting role I have to admit it. I can be there emotionally and even comforting physically and surprise with gifts here and there. But, I suck at running a house. Even as I am improving and getting better slowly at cleaning. I am still better in a supporting role as far as cleaning than I am in the leading role. I know whoever gets involved with me in the end will have to be a strong woman in the leadership sense as well as able to take a lead in household stuff. I will pop in to the kitchen no problem and work on learning new stuff. Just taking me time. I am still working on being able to use my new slow cooker. I am going to try and put the ingredients for chili on the grocery list for this month and make that as well as another recipe I have yet to select. Thinking something with chicken.

            Now just because I am being honest about what I need in a partner doesn’t mean I am a bad man. I am still a good man in many ways. I listen and give god massages. I also try to think of my other half when I go out getting stuff. I also try to make sure she has everything she wants on holidays and that does include her birthday. I work to make her feel included in the bond I have with my family. I talk to her a lot. Sometimes it has to be in writing since that is my best way to talk. So, I will send emails. Also despite my age I am still quite vital. I’ve also discovered I am an ambivert. Basically a mix of an introvert and an extrovert. Though I can go from one end to the other at different times and I do need someone that can work with that and enjoy fun in both ways. But, at the same time I know I am willing to put in the effort and work on loosening up and going with the flow.

            I know I have a lot of good qualities including my heart and mind and that I am cute (though not right now in my mind cause of injuries). But, let’s face it I have a lot of work to do, because I have no clue where I am going to find this dream woman. I had her, but she rejected me. And, that is with massages, flowers, chocolate, gifts, and doing my best to help with housework as well as working to step up above what I had been doing as well. Still heartbroken and knowing what I need and want, but not sure I will ever find it again.

            And, at the same time I am making provisions for being on my own the rest of my life as lonely as that might be. Though it leaves me to the one fear I have and that is dying alone. Call me selfish, but I want someone there to comfort me as I pass into the unknown. Even with all the faith I have it is still a bit scary to think about dying alone. Wondering if I have been a good enough person and done enough good. I was told I wouldn’t die alone, but that was by the same person that was supposed to be marrying me and then changed her mind.

            I also know I need to stay studying with the Mormons as well. It has made me a better person overall and stronger as well. I’m still a long way from baptism, but a little closer than I was last year in a sense. Now I am just defiant at times. I was a bit more defiant last year. As I read more I am more inspired and understand more. But, that is me. Everyone has their own path that they have to walk and I understand that. At the same time, I will not turn away anyone that wants to know more.

            I also know I am not the same person I was last year.  That is to say I have grown happier and stronger and wiser. As well as smarter. I know more of what I want and need in a life partner. I also know what I need to do to continue to grow as well. I have loosened up a bit and learned to have a bit more fun as well as study harder to get work done earlier though that is still a work in progress. I think I will come back in January with another hard look in the mirror and see what I see then as well as make it a yearly tradition. I know I am probably missing some things, but I will try to catch them when 2018 comes around, and hopefully they are improved by then if they are issues that need improving.

            But, I have rambled on enough for one day. Feel free to leave questions and comments below as always. As for me I have more studying to do. As well as some research for an upcoming article for Odyssey in a couple of weeks. *Tips his hat and walks out the door confidently*.