Let’s Try This Again

            Now that I have had my morning cigarette and something substantial to eat after two days I think I can write something without sounding like a raging lunatic now. But, there are major changes happening this week and starting next week around here. So, I was a bit stressed out and as usual took it out in writing. I’m also pissed at my ex with the mess she has left behind for me to deal with and put me in. But, that is being dealt with. Now after a hot shower and a smoke and something that is supposed to be food. What do you expect from a gas station. I am feeling revived and ready to face the challenges head on. I feel more alive too after the morning walk. I also need to get my room back in order as well.

            I think after my sister leaves I am going to look for a smaller place though. This place is just too big for me and overwhelms me. I have somewhat of an idea of what I want, but not sure how to get it yet.  But, I think because of current events I should look for what I can find that best fits it. I got a couple of places in mind to look for it. Just was thinking I wouldn’t be preparing so soon. But, you know fate has a way of making things happen. And, I am going to make sure my sister is alright of course, but I do have to think about my future as well.

            I know she will be alright on her own and she is planning to move anyways. And, even as I plan to do what I want to I get chewed out for it it feels like. Trying to figure out if I can run my own life or if it is always about what family wants. I kind of know how my mother feels now. I try to limit how much I rely on her and make it so it is when she is available and can do things. I feel like I could spend more time with the family if I moved as well cause of these damned stairs.

            And honestly, I do want out of here. I shouldn’t have gotten my sister into here to be honest. It isn’t the best place for her. But, she was homeless and breaking down. And, she missed her therapy dog, Daisy. I thought giving her a roof over her head would help, and it has. And, I love my sister, and it is not that living with her seems like it is going to be that bad now. Minus a few little quirks, I have on choices she makes, but we will deal with that.

            Just the environment feels toxic to me and not because of my sister. It is just all around me. I’ve been in this same neighborhood too long. I need to be someplace that deals better with me and I have can have a fresh start. Where I don’t have baggage. I feel like I am expected to be like my mom here, and I am not her. Mom says get tough with them but I feel like if I do that it will just get me evicted and then I can’t go anywhere really. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. But, I keep praying to God asking Him to guide me and give me strength.

            I don’t have an answer yet except to move. But, that has its own issues too. And to anyone upset about this blog, try to understand this is my place to think out loud. I am more open about things than other people around me are. It is part of who I am. But, I will never throw the family under the bus here. I will be honest, but fair. And, most of it will have to do with my past. I know to be careful with personal information online. But this is my therapy, because honestly it helps better than anything I do in a room with a person.

            To anyone with doubts I love my sister and will help her in any way I can. But, at the same time I have to do something to change my environment for me. That is basically how I feel. And, like my mom probably feels at times with us kids I feel like my feelings aren’t being heard or given merit. I don’t know how to put it right. But, we do take her for granted at times and that is wrong of us. I wish I knew how to repay her for all her kindness and patience with us. As well as all the help, she keeps giving us. I know we are a pain in the butt. I love my mom and I have something special planned for her for Mother’s Day. Not saying here since she reads this. I love you mom and I thank you for everything you have done and do for me. I just can’t carry the world like I thought I could. I’m trying, but I can’t. I’m sorry for failing as a son.  I’m sorry I screwed up so badly. All I wanted was happiness and to be loved like I was loving myself and it blew up in my face.

            Now I just feel like a failure and I want my own hole to crawl into for a bit and just be responsible for me, well and the cat. He is good company and helps. I was trying to do good like you taught me and ruined everything. I try to be strong and was having a good day. I know you and Ami are having it rough so I tried to keep being strong, but it is hard at times like now. And, here I can let it out and it helps. Though it is still there it gets released if that makes any sense at all. And, I am not afraid to let the world see I have feelings. Yes, it means I am more vulnerable and I am ok with that in a way. Not sure how to explain it. Something to do with how I write is all I can sum it up to. Mind you I just remembered I hadn’t saved in like 600 words, oops.

            I swear I am on a rollercoaster today. During the day, I am up and tonight I am down. Still working hard on everything including my room. Just it is like one minute I am doing great and the net I am breaking down crying. I feel like mother nature. One minute it is sunny the next it is snowing. Should be rain this time of year but no instead we get snow. I swear it is like if a guy could get a period I am having the emotional issues that come with it. I’ll be ok though I have a great family that supports me and friends that are there for me. My mom is my main support and hopefully she can understand all of this to get what I am going through. Though I hate that she has to see me like this after she just went through a bad move.  And, I understand her needing to make herself a priority and I want her to know that there are others that are there for me as I go through this. So, when I put my normal thing about comments make yourselves heard loud and clearly for my mom please. Reassure her that her little boy isn’t left alone in the dark.

            Because right now I have been sucked back into that dark space, and I am trying like hell to get out of it. I really am, but I just end up crying more again. I just feel like a failure right now. Something tells me I shouldn’t, but I do. Now my sister just came in and grabbed me in a hug and I broke down and it helped a lot. Still give a shout out for my mom’s piece of mind. I am still not fully out of the woods but getting there. The hug was a start.

            Now I have rambled long enough for one day, don’t worry I will be safe. Feel free to leave questions and comments as always and please leave comments letting my mom know what I have for a support system. As for me I am going to do some cleaning, some schoolwork, and some reading. *Tips his hat and walks out the door not feeling so hot*.