Sitting In Purgatory At The Moment

            Yeah like it says I am in purgatory right now and probably soon to get put through emotional hell. But, I keep a light on in my heart in case my angel comes back and takes me to heaven again. Everyone tells me to give up and is upset and angry. I keep hope alive. Foolish I am told and that may be, but she made me a promise and says she keeps them so I am hoping beyond hope she keeps the one she made me.

            Am I hurt? Yeah. Am I angry? A bit. But, God help me I still love her. And, a lot of you even her if she is reading this are probably asking why? Because she makes every day better for me. She inspires me not just in writing better, but in making my apartment more of a home. Before she left she had all of us eating better in general and even has us eating smaller portions. She had me investing money in the house even and not just on what I wanted but in things others could enjoy as well.

            I’m going to get the refills for the air fresheners and put up some curtains as well still. And, I made sure my mom still knows I want that piece of furniture for the television. If she does come back I am going to do it right this time and have her walk into a home. She walked into a disaster last time and I am sorry for that. And, I am sorry for not being much help with it. She changed me though and got me doing right.

            And, I plan to keep on doing right no matter what. At least then I can honor the memory of her being here if she doesn’t come back. I feel lost without her at times, but remember what she taught me and keep sticking to it. I was a bit late in keeping my promise and shaving and showering but now that I started I plan to keep going. Some would say a little too late, but it is good for me either way and I want to keep the promise I made to her at least.

            I know if she doesn’t come back I am not obliged to, but it is the principle of the matter to me. The lifeblood is gone from the house. Not sure if it will ever come back or not. But, I will try to make it feel homely once more. Eventually probably years from now I will move. But, not in a big rush right now. I want to jazz up this apartment first so I have a start when I move maybe. Plus, it has nice thick walls, which I think I might need for a while.

            I got through most of the night with help from a lot of friends rallying around me showing me how highly I am thought of, which is an ego boost I must admit. But, just talking to everyone helped. Some gave me insight and others made me laugh. Some even made me feel useful. Some gave me their opinions that I value. I had always thought deep down I was nobody special or important just a guy who helped out when it was needed like anyone would.

            I got told differently tonight. And, while I felt that way and was feeling alright with myself. I still wanted a life partner and still do and I want it to be her. I was just getting content with being alone and being on my own for the most part when she walked into my life and turned right flipped it upside down to put as Will Smith would. She made and makes me a better man. And, no matter what happens I am going to keep being a better man.

            But, right now it just hurts a lot and I feel anger but keeping it down mostly. And, if this is how it ends I would still do it over again knowing that. I know this is going to be a long post but part of me hopes she reds it and knows how special she is to me. Maybe comes home tomorrow. She’d have some sorrys and explaining to do but the family would take her back I am pretty sure. They know how happy she makes me.

            Sorry this is taking so long to write I had to make a store run to get more to drink. Unfortunately, all they had to drink was iced tea mixed with lemonade. Better than nothing for the walk I made, but I did stop and pray. Along with talking freely to God. He didn’t say anything and no big revelations. I am still waiting for answers from him, but I know they come eventually. Right now listening to the blues cause that is just what my aching heart needs at the moment. They resound with me so well. Or at least the sound does. I’ve always enjoyed the blues, but tonight they bring me some peace in a sense.

            It’s like they are playing my pain and dragging it out of me. It’s like a Godsend type of music for me. Like a choir singing the songs I need to hear right at this minute. And, that guitar just makes me quiver. The music is lifting me to new heights as I listen. Oh, Lord play that guitar. Sorry got caught up in a guitar solo. It was just so powerful and spoke to me so deep. We all have those songs when we are hurting that just make us feel better even as the pain is still there.

            Even if she comes back and brings heaven back to me. I know I have found the music that speaks to my tortured soul. My soul is indeed tortured by the pain of the world and I gladly take it on me. I seek to ease the pain of others and always will. That is just who I am. Sweetheart I know it don’t make sense to you, but I try to help everyone even those that think they are hopeless. Because no one is hopeless in my book.

            I was once in that hopeless place and a door was opened for me as I have said before. And, I was starting to feel hopeless again and you came into my life and changed it for the better. Got me doing better in so many ways. And, I plan to keep doing better. But, I need and want you by my side in the good times and the bad. You make every day so much brighter and so much more special. You make me feel like a king or an emperor. Though even a king needs to remember to clean his own personal toilet.

            You bring so much joy to my life words haven’t been invented to do it justice. You make shopping fun and enjoyable and not so much a dreary chore. The apartment seemed so much more alive when you were here as well and so much more peaceful. I learned a few things from you about how to run it as well. If you wanted me to fight a war for you I would at the drop of a hat. You are worth it. You are worth so much to me that I can’t even find the right words to put it into and this coming from a writer.

            I’d name a star and a planet for you in a heartbeat as well as a comet. Might take me a little while to come up with the money to do so, but I would do it. Might still do it even if you choose not to come back. You are more precious than diamonds could ever be even though I know they are a girl’s best friend. I love you so much and I miss you like crazy. I feel incomplete without you by my side and I hope you see this.

            I am just a wreck folks, but I will try to be a bit more sociable tomorrow. If you want to leave questions and comments as always you are welcome to. Hopefully Moriah sees this somehow. I don’t know really what I am going to do next other than take my meds and maybe check in on one of my games. Maybe read a bit or do some more writing. I will try to write something more upbeat later today if I can. Just bear with me if I am down for a while please. *Tips his hat and sees the noose and cuts it down so no one gets hurt. Then walks slowly out the door hunched over*.