Throwback Thursday: Me And Smoking

            I’ll be honest I don’t know where I’m at as far as quitting smoking goes right now. I thought I was taking a break from it but that makes me feel miserable. I guess I just have to quit in my own fashion. Whatever the heck that is. I’m still trying to figure that out. Just so hard but I am determined to find a way to overcome it. It just might take more time than I thought it would in the beginning.

            I should have counted myself lucky the first time I picked up a cigarette and got away with it without consequences. And I was terrified that first time trust me. But the second time I was stressed out and didn’t care. And I smoked six in an hour just for the high feeling. Looking back on it now it wasn’t really worth it since it was then that I got hooked, but back then I felt like I was invincible since I had escaped once already.

            From that point on I was hooked. I also learned recently that it had played a part it curbing my anger over the years. Now as I am working on coming off of it in some ways I feel back to square one with my anger. It seems to be a no win situation in some ways, which is frustrating to me since I want to get healthier both physically and mentally. Seems like every time I take two steps forward I take a step back.

            And yes that still means I’m making progress, just not as fast as I want to. In some ways it feels like there is something pushing back against me making progress. If there is something pushing back against me making progress, I have bad news for it. I’m stubborner. Though it is still a battle, but one I intend to win in the end. I just have to keep pushing forward no matter how slow the progress is and sometimes accept those steps back.

            I suppose I should except it to be all flowers and butterflies with quitting since I have been smoking for sixteen years. And there are some realty good memories in those sixteen years, some of which I have shared here and some I have yet to share here. To be honest I hadn’t realized all the memories I had to share before I started writing this column. And I keep generating more every day, but I choose to let them sit along with marinating for a while to get just write before I write about them.

            I’m not getting anything really from smoking, but at the same time I’m not able to put it down yet either. I don’t know why. And at the same time I seem to write better when I am smoking. I hope it is not like drinking while writing for some writers for me. If it is I’m going to have to try and figure out a healthier way to do it so that my writing doesn’t suffer. I know that might sound a bit crazy, but look at how some writers drank while writing.

            I’m not sure if that puts my relationship with smoking into better perspective but hopefully it does. As always feel free to leave questions and comments below. And if you want my posts to appear in your inbox each day enter your email address below where it says follow by email. As for me I’m going to relax for a little bit unwind a bit. *Tips his hat and walks out the door heading for the bedroom. *