Saturday Thoughts: Finally Making Some Progress

            Finally after all these weeks of work I am starting to make progress in my class for this term. Seems like it has taken forever to accomplish, but it is finally happen. The scary thing for me is that math is starting to make sense to me. Plus earlier today I finished June’s edition of Nightmare Magazine. It was a great read and I still recommend anyone who likes horror in the very least to subscribe to it. I’m hoping I have counseling this coming Monday so I can show her the entry from this past Tuesday, but I have to wait and see. I had playing the waiting game it drives me nuts at times. But when I can distract myself it isn’t so bad.

            I actually try to get to my counseling early so I can work on homework and be productive sometimes. Just sometimes a change in environment helps me be more productive. Even if it is from the bed to the desk, which I have to start doing again. Next week I get my movie pass, so expect some blogs being written from different places coming out. Especially with the season coming up where there won’t be oppressive heat. I know I have tried it before and failed, but I have to keep trying that is the only way I will succeed. I have been slowly getting better. But still not where I want to be yet.

            Sometimes I think part of it has to do with where I am living currently. But I can’t just lean on that crutch forever. And with things changing soon I can’t lean on it even more. So I will definitely have to make a full-fledged change starting next month. And there will be days I am in immense pain, but I will just have to take a couple of pain pills and suck it up. I mean hell all I really want to do coming up is get to the movies more and the public library more. I should be able to do this. I just have to push myself extra hard. And I have a two week break coming up to help me adjust to a new schedule. So I’m asking for support once more and help when I fall down since I know there will be days when I fall down and go boom.

            There is no I’m going to try this time. There is only I will succeed. So come along for the journey and see what I find along the way. There will be some talk about both movies and books along the way. I hope you have enjoyed today and will enjoy the journey that starts Tuesday. For now I’m getting hungry so I’m going to go make dinner. Feel free to leave comments of support or what you hope to see along this journey below. *Tips his hat and walks out the door towards the kitchen.*

Throwback Thursday: Being A Bouncer

            I know I was away yesterday and I apologize it was a case of writer’s block. But today I am feeling more inspired and confident as I am writing this. Plus I’ve gotten some reading in as well. I’ve still got to get some work in on my schoolwork, so hopefully I won’t be too long winded today. But we shall see. I just have to keep pushing today is all. No matter how hard it gets. Especially with the beginning of the month coming up so fast. Some things will be changing soon as some things stay the same. I will be getting out of my room more in the coming months as well as getting out of the house. Things are starting to look up for me. I just have to get through this one class and then the changing can begin faster than it seems to be at this point. But that is not what we are here to discuss today. Today is about my time as a bouncer.

            And it was a hell of a job, one which I wish I could go back to. But alas my epilepsy keeps me from doing it. It was my favorite job out of all the jobs I have had up till this point. It wasn’t just that I had complete control of the floor and could do pretty much anything I wanted. It was the fact that I could also mingle with the crowd and talk to them every night and see how they were doing. And have real and genuine interactions with them. And even got to enjoy comedy routines now and then when the crowd was mellow enough. Got involved in them too once or twice doing my job. It was a riot.

            Then you had the odd nights now and then. Like the guy who was going crazy and wanting me to call the cops. All because he was worried about where his car was parked. He calmed down once he was reassured that his car was safe where it was parked. Then we had the guy who kept breaking into our out of order bathroom because he didn’t want to wait in line for the bathroom like everyone else. Then there was the one time that we had a strip show in the front booth and my boss said to let it go for a while and when it went almost too far he stepped in and stopped it.

            We didn’t have a ton of fights, but when we did they always seemed crazy. Such as the weight lifter brawl we had in the middle of the week once. That was a pain in the ass. Luckily they were all lined up and we just had to shove them out the door. Then we had one guy argue with our GM one night about him being a Massachusetts’ State Trooper so that entitled him to help break up a fight and get special treatment. My GM at the time basically told him to fuck off. I even got my eye broken one night cause of an idiot that had gotten hired without me being consulted, he was promptly fired the next day. It was always felt much more secure when the bouncers from the bars were around, like I had guardian angels on my shoulders. It was like one big brotherhood, like one big family.

            I still go down from time to time to visit those who are still there from when I was a bouncer. But most have moved on from then. It isn’t a job most make a career out of. But I would if I had the chance to. Plenty of stories to write from that time still. This is not the last you will hear of my days as a bouncer I am pretty sure. I’ve still got plenty of stories. Including more on when my eye was broken, and other nights that were just chaotic. And some of the after work conversations that were to be had.

            But for now I’ve got schoolwork to do. So feel free to leave comments on what you think of me being a bouncer or if you would ever consider being a bouncer below. As for me time to hit the books. *Tips his hat and walks out the door towards the study.*

Tuesday Insights: Should I Keep Going To Counseling

            Today is more of a personal reflection into me. And somewhat of a letter to my counselor who is concerned by all the sessions I have missed. And I won’t lie I have missed a lot lately from not feeling good. But I don’t want to lose counseling, not by a small amount even. I know I need to push myself harder to go even when I am not feeling well. And that is on me. My case manager has offered to bring me to make sure I make appointments thought they would have to be at a different time. And I am cool with that. Even my mother would probably be willing to take me to appointments to make sure I got what I needed.

            And what is it I get from counseling you are probably wondering? Well for one I get a place where I feel safe to let all my guards down and just be completely open and vulnerable. Which is hard for me to do out in public. I also am constantly making discoveries about me. Every week we meet it seems I make a discovery about myself or go deeper into myself. Plus I leave there feeling more upbeat than when I went in and feeling confident I can get something done. And usually do when I get home. Plus I make teeny tiny steps of progress towards being more independent as well. And usually I try to make it out another day after that just from getting out that one day and making some discoveries about myself. As well as having some external pressure applied to me.

            Plus with counseling I have been more and more been being pushed towards getting out more, which I have been doing slowly. Though it is taking time. I’m slowly getting there. My counselor combined with my friend, Jeni, have been building up my confidence in me doing little things. Which has helped me make progress over the past couple of years. I know it doesn’t seem like it but it has. Before counseling I was a complete hermit, stuck inside all the time for the most part. Since counseling I have been trying to get to the library at least once a week though I don’t always succeed. I’m also getting ready to subscribe to a movie pass that will help me get to the movies more regularly. Plus I subscribed to a couple of boxes that might help me get back into gaming again. Which will get me out of the house. Without counseling I would not be anywhere near ready to take these steps. Nor would I be in college right now.

            Counseling has been a guiding force in my college career as well as helping me keep from being too hard on myself. It is also a place for reflection on what could have been done better and where things went wrong and why. But always level handedly. My counselor always pushes me to be better and do better. As well as to look deep inside of me and to be in touch with myself, which I greatly appreciate. I know I tend to shy away from it at times and she has to push me a bit to not do that. But I appreciate that.

            And I know I need to show a better commitment to it and I am willing to adjust the schedule to help make it so I get the help I need to make my appointments better. I’ve had problems with appointments to other providers in the past I admit. But I don’t want to end counseling by any measure. I get so much out of it as I have said above. So hopefully when I go into counseling again it won’t be for the last time.

            I hope you haven’t minded me doing a personal entry today, but I needed to desperately. Feel free to leave comments below in support of this or pointing out something I missed. For now I am off to get more coffee. *Tips his hat and walks out the door towards the brewer.*