Thursday Thoughts

    I know it's been awhile since I've written and my apologies for that. Working hard on my counseling and school, which interferes with my blogging at times. This time I'm pondering the question of what fatherly advice I'd give myself. So far I've come up with a few things to start out with.

The first of which is to do the best you possibly can in school since it will help you get ahead in life. Second is to craft your body image overall to how you want people to perceive you as best as you can. Third is to try not to let criticisms go to heart since most of the time they are not meant to hurt you. Fourth is to try and be as organized as possible since it will make finding things when you need to easier. Fifth is enjoy life when and where you can you only get to live this life once so make the best of it. Six goes along with that in that it says do what you love in work and play. Seven is to treat others as you would want them to treat you no matter who they are. Eight always speak your mind even when treating others respectively. Nine fight for what you believe in because if you aren't willing to why should others, Ten Never throw the first punch or provoke it to be thrown but be willing to throw one if one must be thrown in defense of yourself or others.

Now I'm not saying that is the only fatherly advice there is to give or that it fits everyone. Just that it's what best fits me. And hopefully I'll be able to look to this advice in the future and take it. Maybe it will even help ease my pain from the past. I'm not really sure, but I hope it can. For now though I'll keep this short and brief leaving you here as I sign off saying bye for now.

Sunday Reflections

    So I was hanging out, talking to friends, and thinking and one of them mentioned that I went pretty personal with the last post. And that if a troll happened to catch my blog they might open up on me with a personal attack. It's a good point since my blog won't always be read just by those of you who are close to me, and are friends and family of mine. I know eventually someone is going to say something negative and not simply because it is the internet, but because of the law of averages. And to those who decide to try to break me down and destroy me I simply say step into my yard. Here in this space you're in my yard and I will show you a mastery of words and sarcasm and turn your words inside out on you if you come trying to destroy me.

    And I'll always try to be reasonable at first, but the fact is I've kept quiet for so many years about every little thing done wrong to me. I've let it be swept under the rug and ignored time and time again. No more, I'm speaking my mind about it right here. And yes that makes me vulnerable to a degree, but unlike when it happened I'm far from weak. I've learned a few things since then. Such as sarcasm and how to twist words around when need be. Most of you have seen me do it when I'm being a smart ass.

    I know I'm going to ruffle feathers, but keeping silent hasn't fixed things for me. And I'll be honest this is about me for once. Don't get me wrong I like helping people I really do, but I have to do this for me. I want the world to see me for me. And not all of it is puppy dogs and butterflies. Those that can understand and accept me great and those that can't that is fine as well. But those that attack me, well sign on the dotted line for a verbal tongue lashing. Life is all about choices, and for me I'm tired of hiding in the shadows like a vampire. I want to come out into the sunlight so to speak. I'm going to be me and fight for my life the way I want it to be, and I pity the fool who gets in my way. This has been a public service announcement to all trolls coming within typing distance of my blog thank you. Bye for now.

Another Saturday Filled With Thoughts

    So I've missed a couple posts due to sleep issues and doing so much thinking. I'm sorry I'll try to do better next week when there is hopefully less weighing on my head, just these questions are haunting me. And maybe I have some answers for you here.

To the first one how do I neglect/ abuse myself? I put everyone first no matter what. No matter how rough of shape I'm in or emotional turmoil I'm in, I just suck it up and put everyone first. I push myself to the breaking point and sometimes even further to help others. I rarely ever put myself first though it has gotten better over the years though not trying to make any excuses. I even put hygiene on the back burner as well as cleaning my own house. Then I have to play catch up with everything.

    To the second one how do I deem myself unworthy? The first one is easy it comes with my weight and all the stares I get from wearing sweatpants but thinking I have no right wearing jeans as big as I am. Doubting at times I deserve love because I'm so big and so poor and have so many health problems as well as failed so much. I've always been big, and lack of good looks and being athletic looking has haunted me through my teen years even at my lowest weight. Never being muscular enough or looking enough like the in singer or band member. Constantly rejected by female friends with lines like you're too good of a friend. The first girlfriend I had kept me a secret because I wasn't popular enough. She would talk to me for hours on the phone but never in school and made it known she wanted another guy publicly. That's the obvious one though. The other one is never really feeling like I could do well enough in school, mainly because to me my family never seemed to think what I did was good enough. It was always good job but keep it up. Or good job but you can do better. Might be what made me an internal perfectionist. So to this day I'm never satisfied with my grade in a class, and I'm not even sure if I would be at peace with a 100 in a class. Third is that parts of who I have been and some of my health problems are denied and it feels like parts of me are denied in a way by some of my family as they have been for years. Makes me feel like they can't accept what is wrong with me, like they feel if they do it is like admitting I'm some sort of defect and that makes me unworthy.

    I've had my self-esteem beaten down most of 33 years, so I know I have a pretty big mountain to climb. But I did it once before just not the right way. I lost part of myself in that climb that makes me better than what I was when I made that climb. So this time I will make that climb and keep that part of me. It won't be easy and I know I'm going to make some people mad. But I have to do this for me. I have to do this to get to where I want to be. I have to do this to get what I want out of life. And yes you can expect more emotional dumps on the page. It took a long time for me to get to this point and to be beat down this low, so please bear with me. And no matter how bleak it may seem that I will recover please don't give up on me. Maybe that is also another reason I don't feel worthy, so many people gave up on me. But for now I'll leave it here, bye for now.

Monday Startup

    So I'm taking the week off other than Wednesday and Thursday to do some reflecting and thinking on life, which you will see here since I do my best thinking on paper. Some of it might be shocking, and some might be alarming but bear with me. I've got a lot to process over the next week and think about going forward.

    For one I was asked to think about a couple of questions. One being how do I neglect or abuse myself? The other being how do I see myself how do I see myself as not being worthy? Both have left me thinking a bit and with some answers but still searching for words to put it into perspective. Hopefully tomorrow I can start to answer them.

    And then when I do answer them I have to start building my life up in some form whether night owl or day time person or a mix of the two. But I know this I'm done letting my providers and family tell me what I have to be. I'm going to be me, and find my path in life. I'm going to do what I need to for myself.

    I know that sounds harsh, but all my life I've been bending over backwards to meet some higher authority just because they said bark. Well now I'm telling them they can kiss my ass. Life's not worth living if you can't be yourself and be happy and free. I might have to give up some of my ambitions for a while or forever along the way as I first imagined them but I can still accomplish what I wanted to with them in other ways.

    So for now I will leave you to do some thinking, and hopefully I don't come off sounding too crazy. I hope you have a good day or night depending on when you read this. Bye for now.

Throwback Thursday: Introduction

    Welcome to Throwback Thursday, this is a collection of stories that are memories from my life that will eventually make up my memoir. This week's entry is the introduction to my memoir and seems the best way to introduce the segment. So without further ado on with the show.

 

Introduction

    You'll have to pardon me please if this starts out a bit gruff, but as I sit down to right this introduction I'm a bit upset. And writing has always been an outlet for my emotions, so get ready to go on a journey with me as I give you an overview of my life so far. So that you know what some of what I've been through and some of what you might and might not see in this memoir.

    I keep hearing this younger generation say you don't know what it's like to go through what we do, we have it so rough. And to both sexes I want to scream Bitch Please. I was isolated till I was five and got to go to school, and then I was made fun of by almost all of my peers on the playground. Which led to me getting into fights everyday on the playground. You can guess where that led me to getting send to each day. I could see kids' houses right down the street from me and they were friendly to me on the bus, but I wasn't allowed to visit them. Every time I made any friends near me I was forbidden from seeing them for one imagined reason or another. I finally made friends, but could only see them on weekends and in the summer. Then I got to middle school and rebelled and got to see my friends all the time. I went back to where I was made fun of for high school after having had girlfriends and friends and some happy memories to discover people have changed.

    I end up having a good hard working academic start to high school, and being a good student. But still isolated socially at home. I get forced into a summer job, which turns out to be pretty good, and my social life ends up staying fairly strong. Then my school life tanks because I'm forced to work while going to school at the same time so I rebelled again. Which ends up helping me get the mental health services I needed, or at least started me getting them. Along the way I still had girlfriends and friends after rebelling and friends and memories before rebelling as well. I also ended up dropping out because of all the drama.

    As an adult I tried and tried to work but couldn't in the end. Though there are some interesting stories from the few months in those years that I could work. As well as stories along my road to getting disability and on my road to college as I was recovering. All through this I had the added challenge of epilepsy and going through four mentally abusive relationships. And if not for my amazing friends and workers I probably would not be here today. I would probably be dead I'll be honest, but I've had an amazing life so far in many regards and I look forward to sharing it with you. As for the majority of the younger generation saying they have it hard look at what I've been through bitches, top that!

Adventures In Cleaning: Inspection, Window Measuring, And Other Craziness

    So I know it's been awhile since I've had this column up and running full strength, but it's been a bit crazy over the past couple of weeks or so. Between school, me having emotional meltdowns, inspections, and windows having to be measured there has been little time to write it seems. Hopefully now that is going to change. The window measuring just happened yesterday so my sleeping pattern is a little thrown off still. But working on fixing that, though that might take a few days still.

    So with all this going on you're probably wondering how the cleaning is going. Well the kitchen counters have been staying fairly clean, but they could use a wipe down. Which will probably happen tomorrow night when I'm not so pressed for time. Plus I'm trying to get back on top of keeping up with the dishes. The bedroom floor is cleaned thanks to some help finishing it off. The pile of files has been chopped down and thrown into a box, but still have to be sorted. As well as filed, and now I have a potentially new filing cabinet in a drawer on my desk making it a bit more complicated in some ways.

    My new desk is together thanks to my friend, Tim, coming over and putting it together. A big thank you to him for that. And the desk has been mostly set up aside from the files, and being wired up for everything to be plugged in. That will get done in the next couple of days though. So making progress slowly, and if I get to do what I want with therapy I think it will help. So wish me luck. But I still have some chores to do before my writing meeting tonight so time is short, so I hope you enjoyed reading this and have a good night or day depending on when you're reading this. Bye for now.

Sometimes You Have To Open Old Wounds To Grow

    So for those of you who are on Facebook with me you already know I'm making a plan for a new form of therapy to help me heal, and calling it writing therapy. But some wounds won't heal without the scab being ripped off first. So as I sit hear examining who I've been through the years and who I am now. I'm seeing flashbacks and memories I'm not happy with and regrets.

    I've been a pretty shitty person in some ways in my past as I see it. Maybe I'm too hard on myself being an internal perfectionist, maybe not. I've done things I'm not proud of, been places in my mind I hope no one ever has to go. I've broken hearts that in retrospect were for stupid reasons when I was younger. I've been abused by ex-girlfriends as an adult mentally. I've felt like I wasn't worth anything. Hell I felt so lonely near one Christmas I tried to kill myself with alcohol. Trust me I paid for that.

    There are days where I just can't make myself want to get up. My body just feels like a ton of bricks. So I give in and sleep all day till evening. Sometimes the only thing that wakes me up is dinner. There are days when I want to go out, and I actually manage to find the energy and will power to do it on my own without any external motivation. But those are few and far between. Cleaning and filing are hard to get me to do in general without external motivation unless it involves organizing a bookshelf or computer files or an area I'm concerned about, but even that takes time.

    And yet somehow I keep trying and fighting. I keep trying to fit into the world as it wants me to. Keep trying to find love, Keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me and fix it. Including the light headedness I get every time I sit up or stand up. And sometimes I even wonder if this is karma for something I did at some point in time. Or just in general why all this bad stuff has happened to me.

    I just know I can't, and won't give up. And that I have the greatest friends in the world. And I do apologize for this not being a more cheerful post., but I've always been open with you, my readers, and I'm not about to start hiding from you now. Or ever. But I have to get back to my therapy planning, but you'll hear from me later or tomorrow at the latest. Bye for now.