It was a rough day all together yesterday, nevermind just
last night. It was one of those frustrating days when my problems get in the
way of me doing what I really wanted to do. It started the night before last to
be honest. I was supposed to go to chapel yesterday morning, but because of a
bad case of insomnia I couldn’t get the sleep I needed to be attentive in
chapel yesterdy morning. So, I had to call out. It bummed me out, because every
time I go to chapel I leave feeling refreshed and ready for the week ahead.
Instead I ended up sleeping till like 5 PM, which never
makes me feel good. But, I was supposed to go to a show last night, and that
added more stress to me getting ready for that. Then my anxiety started kicking
in. And, friends were kind enough to help me beat it back for the time being.
But, it came back to the point of paralyzing me as I was just about to finish
getting ready. So, I ended up not going.
I go to very few events, because I have a hard time in
public gatherings. I try to do well with them, but it is hard for me. Even as
my friend, Tim, tried to make it seem easier to cope with last night. But, for
some reason something in me doesn’t do well with it. I can do well with family
events and events where there are a lot of friends attending since I know there
will be a lot of people I know there. And, they can make introductions for me
and start conversations.
It just strikes me as weird that I can strike up a
conversation at a bus stop or on the bus, yet I have a hard time in other
places. Maybe it is the temporary nature of the bus stop or bus ride that makes
it easier. But, for some reason shows or other gatherings seem more permanent. Maybe
it is because of the length of the event that it makes it seem that way. I mean
a bus ride or wait is at most an hour. Versus some of these shows and functions which
go on for hours at a time. I mean I can make a few comments at the end of a
movie to a stranger after all as we are all walking out like it is nothing so
maybe it is that.
But, it is still frustrating not being able to enjoy some
of the things others get to enjoy. Though I am working on it still. I had a
good talk with my mother last night where she told me that the next time I
should call her no matter how much she is dealing with. And, today I had
counseling, which helped me deal with the emotions I had coming out of my
anxiety attack as well. So, I am feeling better as I am finishing this up
tonight though still a bit frustrated with myself.
But, I am resolving not to give up or give in. I will
continue to fight and eventually overcome this. It is not going to be an easy
road, but those things that are worth achieving rarely are. But, I refuse to
give up. It’s just not in me to give up all together. I may lose some battles
along the way, but I will win the way. And, to all those who gave their support
last night and they know who they are, thank you. It meant a lot to me and it
did help a lot. Just my mind was determined to work against me.
I’ve rambled enough for one day though. Feel free to
leave comments and questions below. And, please feel free to share with friends
and family, especially if you go through anxiety attacks yourself so they might
better understand what you go through. As for me I have a late assignment to
work on next as well as an article for Odyssey. *Tips his hat and walks out the
door. *
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