I’ve made every excuse in the book for not taking this
disease head on. I’m allergic to the match and of course there is the problem
of the pill giving me mental problems. But, I finally found a support group
that inspires me to be stronger than the disease. They get it and me as a
smoker. It makes me feel empowered to be able to quit. Even as I have been
powerless against this. Yet God has stood by me and guided me to this point and
not given up on me. I thank Him for that. Warning I will be crying a lot while
writing this so bear with me.
I used to be a part of the anti-smoking movement. I had
one cigarette and no problem at 17, that got me a bit cocky I think. Then at 18
I was having a really bad day. And, someone who I think was a friend, but didn’t
realize the harm they were doing gave me six cigarettes in an hour. Bam I was
hooked. I tried the patch soon after. But, it was so itchy and it didn’t do
anything for my cravings. I’m not sure why other than the fact I was surrounded
by smokers in my environment at the time. And, the nicotine demon in me wanted
more and more. It always does it can never get enough.
I am the chain smoking type when I can be. After all that
is how I started out. And yes, I am a nicotine addict, but I also know that it
does not make me a bad person. It just means I have a flaw in me. I grew up
seeing smoking everywhere in my life. Not just in the family but among my peers
as well. My family told me not to start that is was bad for me, but at the same
time other messages were sent to me as well. And, when I get into that bad zone
of thinking I am just going to do what I want to do. And, I was already
thinking I had proven them wrong about marijuana at that point.
I was also an angry young man into my mid-twenties. Compared
to now my anger was nuclear weapon level. Now I am a bit more patient and
understand and sometimes that works against me when I should blow up and kick
someone’s ass. I was like a raging demon and that might come back I fear
without nicotine. But, I have to remember I have learned new coping skills and
grown wiser in my years. I also understand my conditions better as well. And, I
have learned to use my writing as an outlet for my emotions as you have all
seen. Though it still scares me since I don’t want to be that angry person
again. But, I also don’t want to be a smoker anymore either.
It has caused me to age and have trouble walking. I used
to be able to walk all of Portland, ME no problem with a full book bag. Now I
am lucky to make it to the local gas station and back in an hour it seems. It
is probably part of the reason I don’t go more places since there are so many
places you can’t smoke. Every time I do go out I am looking for the smoking
spots instead of really enjoying what is around me it feels like. Feeling the
craving hitting as a movie is ending so I might miss a special ending at the
end of the credits. Or not bringing my laptop with me someplace I should
because what if I need to go smoke.
I turn into a beggar for money or even just a smoke if I
run out towards the end of the month. Those around me know it is true. I don’t
like that version of me either. I get so bad I offer to sell of things sacred
to me. It’s time to put the brakes on and get off of this train. To be honest I
have better things to do with my life than putting a flaming tube of paper and
tobacco in my mouth every few minutes. That is time spend reading or writing or
at the game table lost. Who knows I might even get some of my hair back. I know
wishful thinking. But, it is time to stop slowly committing suicide and turn
towards life.
I have a plan and I will let you in on it tonight. But,
first I have some work that I owe a few people. And, there is finalizing it.
But, the date is set in stone for April 7th, 2017. That is the date for me and let me give some
advice to those out there still making excuses about why they haven’t quit. I will
grant you it is to a point your choice when you quit though more the drug’s
hold on you. Take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what you are getting
for your money. And, what you are losing for your money. Is there something
else you would rather be spending that money on?
For me I plan to invest the money in gaming and reading
as well as reading on writing. And, when I learn what my son wants to be when
he grows up I will invest in books on that. I think my cat, Whoopster was also
requesting just now that some of the money be spent on stuff for him as well.
As he just mugged me for attention while writing this part of the post. But, I
plan to make it a yearly thing like tax returns. More bang for the buck that
way.
This is a testimony to myself and you as to how powerless
and to what a monster I can be when the disease takes hold. And, it will and
will always be a part of my life. So, I will distract myself when need be. Have
fun as much as I can with life. Enjoy what I do for work. Pray when I need to
to God. And, be nicotine free starting April 7th of this year. I
feel cleansed sort of and if I need to do it again to get to being smoke free
for good so be it.
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