It is a better day today, and my head is back where I
need it to be on my shoulders squarely. Yes, I made it a day without a
cigarette, but the quality of life was crap. So, I went out for a walk to find a
cigarette this morning. I found a few interesting places I want to visit more
as well as some cool people. I also realized a few things. And, it helped me
start planning going forward. I’m still behind on school, but going to work
hard today to get caught up on it. This last week has been a learning
experience as well as a growing experience, and I needed that.
I have stood on other people’s shoulders for too long and
not put myself as a priority for too long as well. I’ve also been a hermit for
far too long. So, things have got to change don’t they and they have started
to. For one I am looking at a smaller place that is easier for me to manage. I’m
also trying to quit smoking again a step at a time with a support group. So,
far slow progress on the quitting smoking. I’m also trying to get everything
hooked up in my room right, but need help with that. And, I won’t lie zI have
had some screw ups along the way. And, to those I have hurt and ade to feel
cast aside I am sorry.
I will be going out more after this week and visiting
more people. Right now, I just need to be alone with my thoughts and planning
as well as working on my writing and school work. Along with cleaning for this
inspection. That is where my head has to me for this week. I have a couple of
things I am planning to do for me in general today like going to a writer’s
meeting and trying to get back into that.
I also realized a few things about my ex yesterday when
she decided to be an impatient bitch and threaten me. First off, she left here
making it seem like she was coming back and then texted me that she wasn’t and
told me to pawn the guns. Proves to me she is a coward. Or that she was afraid
of having second thoughts, but too late for that now. That door is closed
because of what she did yesterday. I also sold the guns to a pawn shop like the
text said to and with the clearance of the police and after getting in hot
water with my landlord. And, sweetheart I don’t know what fantasy world you
live in, but those guns don’t cover a $700.00 phone luckily, I can make
payments on it.
Second, I have my doubts that you ever truly loved me in
the first place. But, you did bring me some happiness and pleasure I will grant
you that. And, while it was nice that you ran the house. It helped me realize
that this place is too big for me and for me to get a start running a place I
need a smaller place. But, it doesn’t make up for all the hurt you caused or
the harassment of my friends and family. So yes, you will be getting a certified
letter in the mail giving you 30 days from when you sign to come get your stuff
or it is mine to do as I see fit with, which is legal. I’m done being your
little pet that does what you want. You ripped my heart out of my chest and
then yesterday stomped on it. You proved me wrong. You are a manipulative bitch.
I bet you didn’t tell Joe that we fooled around the day you left. Or how you
promised me you were coming back. Or how you told me you loved me and missed me
all the way there.
I can still go anywhere I want in the country with no
problem even after this, but you are hated in Maine with a passion. And,
probably a few other states. You pissed off a lot of people with how you
treated me. You told me how respected and cherished I ma and forgot it
yourself. What were you smoking when you decided to use me. Must have been some
harsh stuff to do something this stupid. You alienated so many people it is not
even funny. You had a great support group and you threw it all away. You had it
made and you just threw it all away and I still don’t get why after everything
you told me and the way you acted here. But, I have heard some things and that
makes e wonder what Joe is thinking.
And, if you do decide to come get your stuff I am having
a cop present as well. Just so there can be a neutral witness to everything
that takes place. I’m not playing games with you and not having anything taken
out of proportion. I don’t know who you are like I thought I did. I have two
different stories of who you are and what I have witnessed and trying to figure
it all out still. I did tell those that spoke against you how you were here.
Only because it was fair and right. I am angry at you yes, but there is still
love in my heart for what you brought into my life and the things you made me
realize. And, in time I will forgive you, though not take you back ever. Like I
said to you before I will never hate you. It is your actions I am mad at and
upset with. And, there have been a lot
of doubts caused because of them. I will get my answers from God in time. He is
funny like that making one wait till they are ready for the answer. For when
they are ready to be able to handle the truth. And, sometimes they have the
answers they just have to work on coming to terms with it.
I’ll move on eventually, but for right now going to enjoy
the single life and see what God brings into my life. He just better remember
what a complex individual he created and helped mold. But, for now going to
focus on me. I will still be here for others cause this part of me but the primary
focus is on me. I’ve got some stuff for me to do and some repairing to do in my
life. Even being an ambivert I have made
some bad choices and I need to fix the ones I can. It means revamping my schedule
a bit, but it can be done.
So, I am laying out three goals for the next week. One
get the process of finding a smaller place into motion. 2 Get back to church.
3. Get out more and 4 get back on track with school. These are the things I
think I need to do this week. And, already working on these as well. And
hopefully on Saturday I can report them going full swing well. I think I met
set daily goals here as well. And, weekly goals at the beginning of the week.
Be on the lookout for a post later today Diary
of a Broken Father by Sylvia Stein. In the meantime,
the short review is go out and get a copy. You won’t be sorry. It has inspired
me that is for sure.
But, I have rambled on more than enough for one post.
Feel free to leave questions and comments below as always. As for me I have a
midterm to finish and I was given the perfect topic his morning to write on. I
was also reminded that suicide is the easy way out at least for me. And, that
staying the course and taking the hard way is always more rewarding for me. I
can’t speak to others, but I will always do my best to help them. *Tips his
hat, see a door that shouldn’t be open, closes it, and walks out the door*.
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