Tuesday Insights: Starting Down The Road To Recovery

            I know I keep going silent. Between school and battling my latest round of depression on top of a cold it has been hard lately. I will try to get back on top of things going forward this week. It seems I am coming out of my latest bout of depression though so that helps. Now just to get everything back on schedule. But it is still a long road to recovery, which is what we are talking about today.

            As I talked about last week I have a lot of trauma in my life. And part of my recovery is dealing with all of that. But first I have to be prepared to face it full head on. Honestly I’m not sure how long that will take, but I’m willing to put in the work to get it done. Part of it will be through vitamins and meds to help me cope while I am doing the work. I’m also sure it will result in many sleepless nights from nightmares as well. But it is worth it to get better.

            Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to a better place, and I know this is one of those times. And I’m willing to do it. Though I can’t see it having the outcome my counselor does I have faith that it will. Sometimes that is also all you have to go on as well. I know it will be a long road and that I am only starting out on it. But I will get through it eventually. Especially with my friends and family supporting me. I won’t lie I am a little nervous and scared but I think that is normal.

            Now knowing all of this and what it is doing to me I could easily just say to hell with my schedule. But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to fight with myself to try and follow my schedule. All through when I was growing up I had someone to enforce my schedules that I had at least to some degree, but now I only have myself to enforce my schedule. And I have to try and get used to that somehow. And what better time to start then now.

            As for the rest of this week I will be doing a thank you post tomorrow and Thursday I will be covering my first apartment. Friday I am still working on a story idea. And then Saturday and Sunday are up in the air as far as what they will be about. But for now I need some coffee. Feel free to leave comments and questions below. Share this post with your friends and family as well. *Tips his hat and walks out the door towards the coffee brewer.*

Throwback Thursday: Life At The YMCA

            I apologize for us not being in the library yesterday, but I was extremely tired. Seems I have been that way a lot lately. But I saw my psychiatrist today and we made a plan to hopefully combat this rash of oversleeping. For those that do not know I battle depression on a constant basis and I’m usually pretty good at it. But lately I have been faltering a bit. I will get through it though. I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family that help me when I get in these funks. And I am thankful every day for them being part of my life.

            Today we look at one of those interesting times in my life where I was scared at first as well as depressed. But it got better. I’m sure my experience is unusual for people getting out on their own for the first time.  It was exciting getting into the YMCA because it got me off the streets. But I was nervous that first night walking into my room. I made my bed and crawled into it, but it took me forever to fall asleep. I could hear every noise throughout the place it seemed like. Every little clink and clang. Every time someone coughed or had a nightmare. Finally I just passed out.

            The next day I moved in some stuff to make it easier for me to cope with being there and tried to just stay out of the way basically. Soon after I managed to acquire a semi working mini fridge. It never quite worked right for me but kept everything cold unless you tried using the freezer part of it. It was shortly after this I met Vic and then Tim. Since then me and Tim have had each other’s back through tons of crap. Tim was still working crazy hours at this point so I had moved in my television and stereo and stand and a microwave.  I was basically running the place since most of that stuff most other people couldn’t have in their rooms.

            I had it all decked out and everything and things were fine until summer when it got scorching hot so Tim let me crash in his room where it was cooler. I kept passing out on the bed and he would sleep on the floor. Eventually we got into a routine of going out all night to a local convenience store and hanging out. As well as stocking up on supplies then coming back as the sun was coming up and sleeping most of the day away before eating what we had brought back. Then we would start the cycle over again for the most part.

            Even after Tim had left the YMCA I would just have to wait till he came around to see me. Since they would just send him up to my room along with pretty much anyone else who came to see me at night. In between going to hang with Tim at his places I would make stuff to eat and watch television mostly as well as sleep. All in all the YMCA was a pretty cool place to be for the most part.

            Stay tuned for next week when I tell you about my first apartment that was one crazy building. But I hope you enjoyed hearing a little bit about my life at the YMCA. Feel free to leave comments on your first place when you first got out on your own. For now I smell dinner calling my name. *Tips his hat and walks out the door heading for the kitchen.*

Tuesday Insights: Trauma In My Life

            Apologies for being so late today and for being so quiet the past couple of days. It has been a crazy week so far. It always is around the first of the month though. But I’m working on getting back into the swing of things as quickly as possible and adjusting my schedule to fit with some of the changes I have to make going forward. I know I have to change my Monday and Friday schedules since counseling has changed to Monday now. Which makes me want to get stuff done quicker so I have a relaxation day on Sunday since I won’t have it on Monday now.

            But today I figured I would look at the trauma in my life since it is fresh on my mind and we are going to be diving deeper into it in counseling. It hurts to do so not just emotionally but all through the body so I know I will be coming home on Mondays hurting. So I probably won’t be doing much on Mondays now other than reflecting on counseling, writing, and reading. So you might get a double post on Mondays we will see. But where shall I start with my trauma for today. I think I’ll start with my dating life, which started when I was 15 years old. It didn’t start off good either I started out being used and then went to being mentally abused. From there I was cheated on repeatedly and then used again a few more times. Mentally abused again, you get the picture.

            It tends to make one not feel worthy of being loved, yet somehow I strive for it still. It is hard to be like I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity when I’ve been tread under so many shoes. As well as tossed aside like I am nothing to people. But somehow I pick myself up and dust myself off every time. Mainly with the help of friends.

            But it has been hard feeling like I deserve such good friends too when I was bullied for the first ten years of my life at school and on the bus ride to school. No matter what I tried or did it still kept happening. So I did the only thing I knew how to do in response I lashed out. I still treasure the friendships I made during those years because they helped me get through a rough time in my life. But it was hard to feel like I was worthy of friends even then when people are telling you how weird and what a loser you are. Picking on you because you are overweight and different.

            It wasn’t my fault I was so socially awkward though I had been kept so socially isolated since I had been born other than preschool. My family was so judgmental of everyone else. They saw them as below them or a bad influence as they would put it. I understand it some and some I still don’t. But the more I understand the better I am better able to cope with it and process it. Though I am sure there is still some to process that I don’t see.

            And yes many have apologized since it has all happened and I do forgive them but there are still scars to heal. But I am the only one who can heal them now. And that is what will happen through counseling. Hopefully it will help me get better at cleaning and following through with some of the self-caring things I want to do for myself. I hope you have not minded taking this short journey with me. It is one of many I will be taking through the upcoming weeks so please bear with me. For now I need a couple of pain pills since I feel like I just went a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson, *Tips his hat and walks out the door towards the medicine cabinet.*