Thursday Thoughts

    I know it's been awhile since I've written and my apologies for that. Working hard on my counseling and school, which interferes with my blogging at times. This time I'm pondering the question of what fatherly advice I'd give myself. So far I've come up with a few things to start out with.

The first of which is to do the best you possibly can in school since it will help you get ahead in life. Second is to craft your body image overall to how you want people to perceive you as best as you can. Third is to try not to let criticisms go to heart since most of the time they are not meant to hurt you. Fourth is to try and be as organized as possible since it will make finding things when you need to easier. Fifth is enjoy life when and where you can you only get to live this life once so make the best of it. Six goes along with that in that it says do what you love in work and play. Seven is to treat others as you would want them to treat you no matter who they are. Eight always speak your mind even when treating others respectively. Nine fight for what you believe in because if you aren't willing to why should others, Ten Never throw the first punch or provoke it to be thrown but be willing to throw one if one must be thrown in defense of yourself or others.

Now I'm not saying that is the only fatherly advice there is to give or that it fits everyone. Just that it's what best fits me. And hopefully I'll be able to look to this advice in the future and take it. Maybe it will even help ease my pain from the past. I'm not really sure, but I hope it can. For now though I'll keep this short and brief leaving you here as I sign off saying bye for now.

Sunday Reflections

    So I was hanging out, talking to friends, and thinking and one of them mentioned that I went pretty personal with the last post. And that if a troll happened to catch my blog they might open up on me with a personal attack. It's a good point since my blog won't always be read just by those of you who are close to me, and are friends and family of mine. I know eventually someone is going to say something negative and not simply because it is the internet, but because of the law of averages. And to those who decide to try to break me down and destroy me I simply say step into my yard. Here in this space you're in my yard and I will show you a mastery of words and sarcasm and turn your words inside out on you if you come trying to destroy me.

    And I'll always try to be reasonable at first, but the fact is I've kept quiet for so many years about every little thing done wrong to me. I've let it be swept under the rug and ignored time and time again. No more, I'm speaking my mind about it right here. And yes that makes me vulnerable to a degree, but unlike when it happened I'm far from weak. I've learned a few things since then. Such as sarcasm and how to twist words around when need be. Most of you have seen me do it when I'm being a smart ass.

    I know I'm going to ruffle feathers, but keeping silent hasn't fixed things for me. And I'll be honest this is about me for once. Don't get me wrong I like helping people I really do, but I have to do this for me. I want the world to see me for me. And not all of it is puppy dogs and butterflies. Those that can understand and accept me great and those that can't that is fine as well. But those that attack me, well sign on the dotted line for a verbal tongue lashing. Life is all about choices, and for me I'm tired of hiding in the shadows like a vampire. I want to come out into the sunlight so to speak. I'm going to be me and fight for my life the way I want it to be, and I pity the fool who gets in my way. This has been a public service announcement to all trolls coming within typing distance of my blog thank you. Bye for now.

Another Saturday Filled With Thoughts

    So I've missed a couple posts due to sleep issues and doing so much thinking. I'm sorry I'll try to do better next week when there is hopefully less weighing on my head, just these questions are haunting me. And maybe I have some answers for you here.

To the first one how do I neglect/ abuse myself? I put everyone first no matter what. No matter how rough of shape I'm in or emotional turmoil I'm in, I just suck it up and put everyone first. I push myself to the breaking point and sometimes even further to help others. I rarely ever put myself first though it has gotten better over the years though not trying to make any excuses. I even put hygiene on the back burner as well as cleaning my own house. Then I have to play catch up with everything.

    To the second one how do I deem myself unworthy? The first one is easy it comes with my weight and all the stares I get from wearing sweatpants but thinking I have no right wearing jeans as big as I am. Doubting at times I deserve love because I'm so big and so poor and have so many health problems as well as failed so much. I've always been big, and lack of good looks and being athletic looking has haunted me through my teen years even at my lowest weight. Never being muscular enough or looking enough like the in singer or band member. Constantly rejected by female friends with lines like you're too good of a friend. The first girlfriend I had kept me a secret because I wasn't popular enough. She would talk to me for hours on the phone but never in school and made it known she wanted another guy publicly. That's the obvious one though. The other one is never really feeling like I could do well enough in school, mainly because to me my family never seemed to think what I did was good enough. It was always good job but keep it up. Or good job but you can do better. Might be what made me an internal perfectionist. So to this day I'm never satisfied with my grade in a class, and I'm not even sure if I would be at peace with a 100 in a class. Third is that parts of who I have been and some of my health problems are denied and it feels like parts of me are denied in a way by some of my family as they have been for years. Makes me feel like they can't accept what is wrong with me, like they feel if they do it is like admitting I'm some sort of defect and that makes me unworthy.

    I've had my self-esteem beaten down most of 33 years, so I know I have a pretty big mountain to climb. But I did it once before just not the right way. I lost part of myself in that climb that makes me better than what I was when I made that climb. So this time I will make that climb and keep that part of me. It won't be easy and I know I'm going to make some people mad. But I have to do this for me. I have to do this to get to where I want to be. I have to do this to get what I want out of life. And yes you can expect more emotional dumps on the page. It took a long time for me to get to this point and to be beat down this low, so please bear with me. And no matter how bleak it may seem that I will recover please don't give up on me. Maybe that is also another reason I don't feel worthy, so many people gave up on me. But for now I'll leave it here, bye for now.