We've Moved

For those wondering where we had vanished to. I thought I had put up a post saying that we were moving. Apparently, I didn't. The new address of my blog is http://mylittleoffice.wordpress.com. I hope you will follow me there as you have here. *Tips his hat and walks out the door*.

An Honest Look At Me And Smoking

            I’ve made every excuse in the book for not taking this disease head on. I’m allergic to the match and of course there is the problem of the pill giving me mental problems. But, I finally found a support group that inspires me to be stronger than the disease. They get it and me as a smoker. It makes me feel empowered to be able to quit. Even as I have been powerless against this. Yet God has stood by me and guided me to this point and not given up on me. I thank Him for that. Warning I will be crying a lot while writing this so bear with me.

            I used to be a part of the anti-smoking movement. I had one cigarette and no problem at 17, that got me a bit cocky I think. Then at 18 I was having a really bad day. And, someone who I think was a friend, but didn’t realize the harm they were doing gave me six cigarettes in an hour. Bam I was hooked. I tried the patch soon after. But, it was so itchy and it didn’t do anything for my cravings. I’m not sure why other than the fact I was surrounded by smokers in my environment at the time. And, the nicotine demon in me wanted more and more. It always does it can never get enough.

            I am the chain smoking type when I can be. After all that is how I started out. And yes, I am a nicotine addict, but I also know that it does not make me a bad person. It just means I have a flaw in me. I grew up seeing smoking everywhere in my life. Not just in the family but among my peers as well. My family told me not to start that is was bad for me, but at the same time other messages were sent to me as well. And, when I get into that bad zone of thinking I am just going to do what I want to do. And, I was already thinking I had proven them wrong about marijuana at that point.

            I was also an angry young man into my mid-twenties. Compared to now my anger was nuclear weapon level. Now I am a bit more patient and understand and sometimes that works against me when I should blow up and kick someone’s ass. I was like a raging demon and that might come back I fear without nicotine. But, I have to remember I have learned new coping skills and grown wiser in my years. I also understand my conditions better as well. And, I have learned to use my writing as an outlet for my emotions as you have all seen. Though it still scares me since I don’t want to be that angry person again. But, I also don’t want to be a smoker anymore either.

            It has caused me to age and have trouble walking. I used to be able to walk all of Portland, ME no problem with a full book bag. Now I am lucky to make it to the local gas station and back in an hour it seems. It is probably part of the reason I don’t go more places since there are so many places you can’t smoke. Every time I do go out I am looking for the smoking spots instead of really enjoying what is around me it feels like. Feeling the craving hitting as a movie is ending so I might miss a special ending at the end of the credits. Or not bringing my laptop with me someplace I should because what if I need to go smoke.

            I turn into a beggar for money or even just a smoke if I run out towards the end of the month. Those around me know it is true. I don’t like that version of me either. I get so bad I offer to sell of things sacred to me. It’s time to put the brakes on and get off of this train. To be honest I have better things to do with my life than putting a flaming tube of paper and tobacco in my mouth every few minutes. That is time spend reading or writing or at the game table lost. Who knows I might even get some of my hair back. I know wishful thinking. But, it is time to stop slowly committing suicide and turn towards life.

            I have a plan and I will let you in on it tonight. But, first I have some work that I owe a few people. And, there is finalizing it. But, the date is set in stone for April 7^th, 2017.  That is the date for me and let me give some advice to those out there still making excuses about why they haven’t quit. I will grant you it is to a point your choice when you quit though more the drug’s hold on you. Take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what you are getting for your money. And, what you are losing for your money. Is there something else you would rather be spending that money on?

            For me I plan to invest the money in gaming and reading as well as reading on writing. And, when I learn what my son wants to be when he grows up I will invest in books on that. I think my cat, Whoopster was also requesting just now that some of the money be spent on stuff for him as well. As he just mugged me for attention while writing this part of the post. But, I plan to make it a yearly thing like tax returns. More bang for the buck that way.

            This is a testimony to myself and you as to how powerless and to what a monster I can be when the disease takes hold. And, it will and will always be a part of my life. So, I will distract myself when need be. Have fun as much as I can with life. Enjoy what I do for work. Pray when I need to to God. And, be nicotine free starting April 7^th of this year. I feel cleansed sort of and if I need to do it again to get to being smoke free for good so be it.

            But, I do think I have gone on long enough for one post. Feel free to leave questions and comments below. As for me I have Odyssey and school work to do next right after doing scripture reading. *Tips his hat and takes a deep breath and walks out the door*.

Picking Myself Up And Realizing Some Things

            It is a better day today, and my head is back where I need it to be on my shoulders squarely. Yes, I made it a day without a cigarette, but the quality of life was crap. So, I went out for a walk to find a cigarette this morning. I found a few interesting places I want to visit more as well as some cool people. I also realized a few things. And, it helped me start planning going forward. I’m still behind on school, but going to work hard today to get caught up on it. This last week has been a learning experience as well as a growing experience, and I needed that.

            I have stood on other people’s shoulders for too long and not put myself as a priority for too long as well. I’ve also been a hermit for far too long. So, things have got to change don’t they and they have started to. For one I am looking at a smaller place that is easier for me to manage. I’m also trying to quit smoking again a step at a time with a support group. So, far slow progress on the quitting smoking. I’m also trying to get everything hooked up in my room right, but need help with that. And, I won’t lie zI have had some screw ups along the way. And, to those I have hurt and ade to feel cast aside I am sorry.

            I will be going out more after this week and visiting more people. Right now, I just need to be alone with my thoughts and planning as well as working on my writing and school work. Along with cleaning for this inspection. That is where my head has to me for this week. I have a couple of things I am planning to do for me in general today like going to a writer’s meeting and trying to get back into that.

            I also realized a few things about my ex yesterday when she decided to be an impatient bitch and threaten me. First off, she left here making it seem like she was coming back and then texted me that she wasn’t and told me to pawn the guns. Proves to me she is a coward. Or that she was afraid of having second thoughts, but too late for that now. That door is closed because of what she did yesterday. I also sold the guns to a pawn shop like the text said to and with the clearance of the police and after getting in hot water with my landlord. And, sweetheart I don’t know what fantasy world you live in, but those guns don’t cover a $700.00 phone luckily, I can make payments on it.

            Second, I have my doubts that you ever truly loved me in the first place. But, you did bring me some happiness and pleasure I will grant you that. And, while it was nice that you ran the house. It helped me realize that this place is too big for me and for me to get a start running a place I need a smaller place. But, it doesn’t make up for all the hurt you caused or the harassment of my friends and family. So yes, you will be getting a certified letter in the mail giving you 30 days from when you sign to come get your stuff or it is mine to do as I see fit with, which is legal. I’m done being your little pet that does what you want. You ripped my heart out of my chest and then yesterday stomped on it. You proved me wrong. You are a manipulative bitch. I bet you didn’t tell Joe that we fooled around the day you left. Or how you promised me you were coming back. Or how you told me you loved me and missed me all the way there.

            I can still go anywhere I want in the country with no problem even after this, but you are hated in Maine with a passion. And, probably a few other states. You pissed off a lot of people with how you treated me. You told me how respected and cherished I ma and forgot it yourself. What were you smoking when you decided to use me. Must have been some harsh stuff to do something this stupid. You alienated so many people it is not even funny. You had a great support group and you threw it all away. You had it made and you just threw it all away and I still don’t get why after everything you told me and the way you acted here. But, I have heard some things and that makes e wonder what Joe is thinking.

            And, if you do decide to come get your stuff I am having a cop present as well. Just so there can be a neutral witness to everything that takes place. I’m not playing games with you and not having anything taken out of proportion. I don’t know who you are like I thought I did. I have two different stories of who you are and what I have witnessed and trying to figure it all out still. I did tell those that spoke against you how you were here. Only because it was fair and right. I am angry at you yes, but there is still love in my heart for what you brought into my life and the things you made me realize. And, in time I will forgive you, though not take you back ever. Like I said to you before I will never hate you. It is your actions I am mad at and upset with.  And, there have been a lot of doubts caused because of them. I will get my answers from God in time. He is funny like that making one wait till they are ready for the answer. For when they are ready to be able to handle the truth. And, sometimes they have the answers they just have to work on coming to terms with it. 

            I’ll move on eventually, but for right now going to enjoy the single life and see what God brings into my life. He just better remember what a complex individual he created and helped mold. But, for now going to focus on me. I will still be here for others cause this part of me but the primary focus is on me. I’ve got some stuff for me to do and some repairing to do in my life. Even  being an ambivert I have made some bad choices and I need to fix the ones I can. It means revamping my schedule a bit, but it can be done.

            So, I am laying out three goals for the next week. One get the process of finding a smaller place into motion. 2 Get back to church. 3. Get out more and 4 get back on track with school. These are the things I think I need to do this week. And, already working on these as well. And hopefully on Saturday I can report them going full swing well. I think I met set daily goals here as well. And, weekly goals at the beginning of the week. Be on the lookout for a post later today Diary of a Broken Father by Sylvia Stein. In the meantime, the short review is go out and get a copy. You won’t be sorry. It has inspired me that is for sure.

            But, I have rambled on more than enough for one post. Feel free to leave questions and comments below as always. As for me I have a midterm to finish and I was given the perfect topic his morning to write on. I was also reminded that suicide is the easy way out at least for me. And, that staying the course and taking the hard way is always more rewarding for me. I can’t speak to others, but I will always do my best to help them. *Tips his hat, see a door that shouldn’t be open, closes it, and walks out the door*.

Let’s Try This Again

            Now that I have had my morning cigarette and something substantial to eat after two days I think I can write something without sounding like a raging lunatic now. But, there are major changes happening this week and starting next week around here. So, I was a bit stressed out and as usual took it out in writing. I’m also pissed at my ex with the mess she has left behind for me to deal with and put me in. But, that is being dealt with. Now after a hot shower and a smoke and something that is supposed to be food. What do you expect from a gas station. I am feeling revived and ready to face the challenges head on. I feel more alive too after the morning walk. I also need to get my room back in order as well.

            I think after my sister leaves I am going to look for a smaller place though. This place is just too big for me and overwhelms me. I have somewhat of an idea of what I want, but not sure how to get it yet.  But, I think because of current events I should look for what I can find that best fits it. I got a couple of places in mind to look for it. Just was thinking I wouldn’t be preparing so soon. But, you know fate has a way of making things happen. And, I am going to make sure my sister is alright of course, but I do have to think about my future as well.

            I know she will be alright on her own and she is planning to move anyways. And, even as I plan to do what I want to I get chewed out for it it feels like. Trying to figure out if I can run my own life or if it is always about what family wants. I kind of know how my mother feels now. I try to limit how much I rely on her and make it so it is when she is available and can do things. I feel like I could spend more time with the family if I moved as well cause of these damned stairs.

            And honestly, I do want out of here. I shouldn’t have gotten my sister into here to be honest. It isn’t the best place for her. But, she was homeless and breaking down. And, she missed her therapy dog, Daisy. I thought giving her a roof over her head would help, and it has. And, I love my sister, and it is not that living with her seems like it is going to be that bad now. Minus a few little quirks, I have on choices she makes, but we will deal with that.

            Just the environment feels toxic to me and not because of my sister. It is just all around me. I’ve been in this same neighborhood too long. I need to be someplace that deals better with me and I have can have a fresh start. Where I don’t have baggage. I feel like I am expected to be like my mom here, and I am not her. Mom says get tough with them but I feel like if I do that it will just get me evicted and then I can’t go anywhere really. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. But, I keep praying to God asking Him to guide me and give me strength.

            I don’t have an answer yet except to move. But, that has its own issues too. And to anyone upset about this blog, try to understand this is my place to think out loud. I am more open about things than other people around me are. It is part of who I am. But, I will never throw the family under the bus here. I will be honest, but fair. And, most of it will have to do with my past. I know to be careful with personal information online. But this is my therapy, because honestly it helps better than anything I do in a room with a person.

            To anyone with doubts I love my sister and will help her in any way I can. But, at the same time I have to do something to change my environment for me. That is basically how I feel. And, like my mom probably feels at times with us kids I feel like my feelings aren’t being heard or given merit. I don’t know how to put it right. But, we do take her for granted at times and that is wrong of us. I wish I knew how to repay her for all her kindness and patience with us. As well as all the help, she keeps giving us. I know we are a pain in the butt. I love my mom and I have something special planned for her for Mother’s Day. Not saying here since she reads this. I love you mom and I thank you for everything you have done and do for me. I just can’t carry the world like I thought I could. I’m trying, but I can’t. I’m sorry for failing as a son.  I’m sorry I screwed up so badly. All I wanted was happiness and to be loved like I was loving myself and it blew up in my face.

            Now I just feel like a failure and I want my own hole to crawl into for a bit and just be responsible for me, well and the cat. He is good company and helps. I was trying to do good like you taught me and ruined everything. I try to be strong and was having a good day. I know you and Ami are having it rough so I tried to keep being strong, but it is hard at times like now. And, here I can let it out and it helps. Though it is still there it gets released if that makes any sense at all. And, I am not afraid to let the world see I have feelings. Yes, it means I am more vulnerable and I am ok with that in a way. Not sure how to explain it. Something to do with how I write is all I can sum it up to. Mind you I just remembered I hadn’t saved in like 600 words, oops.

            I swear I am on a rollercoaster today. During the day, I am up and tonight I am down. Still working hard on everything including my room. Just it is like one minute I am doing great and the net I am breaking down crying. I feel like mother nature. One minute it is sunny the next it is snowing. Should be rain this time of year but no instead we get snow. I swear it is like if a guy could get a period I am having the emotional issues that come with it. I’ll be ok though I have a great family that supports me and friends that are there for me. My mom is my main support and hopefully she can understand all of this to get what I am going through. Though I hate that she has to see me like this after she just went through a bad move.  And, I understand her needing to make herself a priority and I want her to know that there are others that are there for me as I go through this. So, when I put my normal thing about comments make yourselves heard loud and clearly for my mom please. Reassure her that her little boy isn’t left alone in the dark.

            Because right now I have been sucked back into that dark space, and I am trying like hell to get out of it. I really am, but I just end up crying more again. I just feel like a failure right now. Something tells me I shouldn’t, but I do. Now my sister just came in and grabbed me in a hug and I broke down and it helped a lot. Still give a shout out for my mom’s piece of mind. I am still not fully out of the woods but getting there. The hug was a start.

            Now I have rambled long enough for one day, don’t worry I will be safe. Feel free to leave questions and comments as always and please leave comments letting my mom know what I have for a support system. As for me I am going to do some cleaning, some schoolwork, and some reading. *Tips his hat and walks out the door not feeling so hot*.